I Am Carlo Magno

Am Back!

2007-08-04T13:48:00.000+08:00

Filipino Blog Of The Week Nominee

2007-07-10T07:57:00.000+08:00

Hey guys, am nominated for the Filipino Blog of the Week Award and I feel ecstatic!

Please do visit http://salaswildthoughts.blogspot.com/ to vote for me, thanks! vote!

I may not be the best blog, but I do try to make mine as interesting and honest for you all!

A Test Of Belief and Faith

2007-07-04T11:58:00.000+08:00

Rarely do I encounter experiences and things that really shaken my belief and faith until I chance upon reading a novel by one of my favorite author, Anne Rice.

I have been an Anne Rice fan for quite sometime and her novels really filled up my long nights and boring days. I can find myself so engross that I sometimes spend a whole day just reading her book.

Then came this

Memnoch the Devil is about Lestat, the main character in her Vampire Chronicles, being chased down and recruited by the Devil himself. In the story, Memnoch, the Devil, or Satan had described in detail all of the history of Creation and the heavenly realms. The reasons why he was thrown down on earth, and questioned the authority of the Creator. At the same time incorporated in the story is the appearance of the Veil that Veronica used to wipe the blood and sweat on Christ's face when He fell down while carrying the cross.
The book really is a hard-to-put down novel and I myself got carried away and started to have sympathy to the Devil. That he, being thrown down on earth is just a matter of misunderstanding. That he just asked too many questions to God about His plans and His motives, until he himself tried to discover God's creation and learned from it. Then he fell in love with a woman, one of God's creation and experience making love where to his amazement is the closest thing to heaven one person can get and asked God too many WHY's.
My belief was kind of shaken while reading this and one can really rethink about what one have learned about the stories in the Old Testament whether they were true or not.
But alas, I reminded myself that this was just FICTION and the story is a make believe story but based on real facts for Anne Rice does a thorough research on literature, arts and history she will incorporate in her novels to make it more realistic and more enjoyable reading.
In the end, my belief is kept intact, my faith strong, but the power of words are amazing. The power of story telling leaves a deep impression and it is just a matter of how strong is your will to not to get persuaded or carried away.

A Photo Session 16

2007-07-04T08:14:00.000+08:00

photography by Jay Plogman

Just Reminiscing

2007-07-03T07:48:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling kind of melancholic today for some reason, maybe because I'll be leaving for Saudi Arabia soon, or am missing a lot of people, family, friends and colleagues.

And the friends I made during the Mr. Gay Philippines Search. Well, like what Miss Barbra Streisand, a gay icon, sang "Some good things never last," but the memories will linger on.

I never thought that I'd be a part of something grand, a history made that day, the first ever of such event and it will forever be a part of me.

Here is a highlight, the Formal Wear competition.

I am candidate no. 6

Hilariously Entertaining

2007-07-03T07:22:00.000+08:00

I'd like to share this you guys, I viewed it at Miong21's blog and enjoyed it. Hope you do too.

Admiration

2007-06-23T07:57:00.000+08:00

I always loved Enrique Iglesias, and who wouldn't? That charisma, that enchanting voice and a good personality at that.

Ever since I heard the song Bailamos, I get to like him.
Then he sang HERO and he took my breath away!

And then this news came out, in a concert in the States for GAY MEN and WOMEN, he was one of the guest artist, he sang the song but before that he asked the crowd whether they'd like a male or a female to come up the stage for him to serenade. Everyone cheered and yelled back a guy, then he said, "Okay, I'm going to be gay for a while." and he gamely picked a guy in the crowd. It was really great to watch him and hear him.

Soon good to great comments for him came out of newspapers and media. Everyone admired his sensibility, his courage and his becoming unprejudiced.

And I admire him greatly for that. Here's the clip:

A Good Deed A Day

2007-06-22T08:23:00.000+08:00

Inspired by the mother of one of the coolest people I ever encountered at blogging. The Vegan Prince's mom, (see offbeatmom.blogspot.com) who shared a good deed she has done to a father and daughter felt so great afterwards that she chronicled it at her blogsite.

I would like to do my own good-deed-a-day thing. Really. At least one good deed for a day to anyone and to anywhere I might be. Mark Xander's (The Vegan Prince) mother is right. The world now is not that friendly, safe and comfortable to live in lately.

I don't have to do the specifics nor site samples and experiences. I may ran out of space here, but surely you know what I mean. Just look around you, there are a lot of people that are candidates for a good deed act. It don't have to be grand, it don't have to be expensive, not even "attention worthy."

But an honest act of kindness that might not mean a thing to you, but to the person you done it with, can you imagine how that person will feel after? One thing though, do not really think about it, just take the opportunity, the essence of doing a good deed might be lost if we are too conscious about expressing it.

I encourage all my friends here that come and visit to join me in this sentiment and who knows really, an act of kindness comes back tenfold, and God sees and God rewards, right?

So, a good deed a day and in this way, in our own way, we can make this world a little more better place to live in. What do you think?

LET'S GO!

(pic courtesy of offbeatmom blog)

My Niece

2007-06-21T07:36:00.000+08:00

My niece is so "biba" (I am still thinking of the translation in English, help me? lolz).
Very smart and fun to watch...check her pictures out, just like his uncle Carlo Magno, she LOVES being photographed.

Realization

2007-06-13T07:07:00.000+08:00

I was lying on my bed last night trying to fall asleep, but sleep was elusive. I played with my ever reliable NANO for a while as Celine Dion tries to lull me to sleep, to no avail. So I decided to meditate on certain things.

My life, how's it been, the last few years. Well, it has been a roller coaster ride.
Ups and downs, the usual. Some heartache, disappointments, new experiences, new people and friends.

Gained insight on who I really am, I came out to the world. Been to hell and back.
I talked with my bestfriend and he told me that not too long ago we were just talking about what our future might be. We dream of having our own car, house, electronic gadgets and travel. What a nice dream indeed. We never really noticed until we talked about it. We just HAD these dreams. It came true.

He left for Korea then to work, when we both were applying still for jobs abroad. I can't seem to hit the jackpot, while he breezes his way into interviews. I was so devastated then and tried my luck on the local business scenario. But he told me, my time will come and I just have to be patient.

So years had gone by, patience had been a good friend of mine. I worked locally and bide my time. Gained as much experience and knowledge as I can. Then one day, the opportunity that was so elusive just came knocking at my door. I didn't even look for it!

Patience and perseverance really pays. WE all have an opportunity that is solely ours. It will come on the right time and the right moment. I remember from the book THE ALCHEMIST by Paulo Coehlo, when one dreams or wishes, all the cosmic powers, fate and chance will work together for one's dream to come true. He just have to read the signs, follow the right path and be patient.

I thought it will never come, but I was wrong. I wished for it. It happens. God is good. I know I am good. This is good.

Spiritual Growth

2007-06-12T08:17:00.001+08:00

I had my final interview last Sunday for the job I am applying for overseas. It was a grueling experience but I got the job.

I was asked too many questions about my job description, probably the interviewer, a foreigner at that, would really like to find out if I mastered what I was doing.

I came out with flying colors. Whew!

Here I come Saudi Arabia.

I'm both excited and happy. This will be my first time to work outside the country. I heard a lot of things, hardships, loneliness and being homesick. I don't know If I'll feel the same. All I know i s that I am going to work hard so that in two years time, I can save enough to start a business back home.

Am not that young anymore but I definitely still have the drive.
The Angels are telling me too, that I have to reinforce and develop the spiritual part of me. My relation with God Almighty. To be attuned with myself, my capability and my confidence. Courage comes from within and with the help of prayers and faith anything is possible.

I know also am going to be alright.

Wish me luck. Hopefully within this month of June or early July, am going to Riyadh, Saudi Arabia.

My blog will continue from there, and chronicle my adventures and my experiences there.

Hay!

2007-06-08T18:09:00.000+08:00

My laptop crashed today because of virus infection! So our IT in the office had it reformatted!
Everything is ok until I realized I forgot to SAVE SOME FILES and now it's LOST!

Hay!

Kainis!

Way Back Into Love - Hugh Grant

2007-06-04T15:19:00.000+08:00

OOOHHHHH....I fell in love with this song..........from the movie, Music and Lyrics, Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore...nice movie...GREAT LOVE SONG!

Discernment

2007-06-02T08:02:00.000+08:00

I picked an Angel Card today and the Angel of Discernment came up. I asked for a guidance on the current situation I am having. You see, I applied for a new job overseas. I passed the initial interview and now awaiting the final with the employer himself.

This angel is telling that in anything the we do, we are the masters of our lives. We know what is good and is bad for us.

And the decision on working out of the country, in an Arabian country that is, is a HUGE decision for me.

What can I do? My family needs a little more comfort and I can only help if I have work that gives more than what I get here. Sounds too much, but we all work hard for our family, next only for ourselves.

Discernment, making the right choice for the better or even for the best.

Inspiring - An Inspiration

2007-06-01T08:52:00.001+08:00

I've longed to try painting...drawing...I know I had it in me. You know that feeling? But you always brush it aside.

When I was young, I join slogan making contests and art festivals...and sometimes I wonder where is that kid in me.

Then I came upon this blog through a new friend of mine, Mark Xander of The Vegan Prince Blog. There he introduced his friend Josh and his Me and My Doves Blog.

Lo and behold, he is an artist par excellance! His works are very, very shall I say "holier than thou," for it evicts a sense of peace and calm. His subject is more of the Bible events and personalities and from his work, well, one can only be inspired. Like how I got inspired.

This weekend, a box under my bed that has been collecting dusts over sometime will be pulled out and inside all art materials from pastels, paint brushes, watercolor tubes, paint papers and other painting paraphelnalias will see the light at last. Check out his blog, Josh, Me and My Doves and feel the same way I do.

Middle Of The Year

2007-06-01T08:28:00.000+08:00

It's June, the middle of the year. How time flies so fast.
A few assessment...what have I accomplished so far?
Hmm...let me count.

I...
Umm...
Well...
I guess...
Maybe...
Oh gosh...
Ok...

Visited places I've never been to like Puerto Galera and Boracay
Joined a pageant.
Tried to find a new job and hopefully out of the country.
Continue working out.
Met new friends.
Lose more gut.
Slowly turning vegan.
Live a healthy lifestyle and cajoling my mom in joining me. (I told her to make her feel and look young, she never resisted, lolz)
Hoping for a new romance to bloom.

What else...hmmm...pretty much that's it.

Not that profound, but at least there's something.

A Photo Session 15

2007-05-25T13:05:00.000+08:00

photography by Jay Plogman

Paris Hilton

2007-05-25T12:42:00.000+08:00

I never really got interested with Paris Hilton. Though beautiful and rich that she is. She really can do anything she wants in all craziness and all. The most talked about and photographed person in the U.S.

But lately the news turned around for her, instead of the usual antics that she does, she is now facing jail because of driving under the influence of alcohol and an expired license.

Well, it just shows that money can't buy everything even freedom.

But what got me interested was her venture into singing and her music which I guess the GREATEST THING SHE DID, in my opinion.

I like the songs "Nothing In This World" and "Stars Are Blind." Not only because of their catchy lyrics which is quite good, the melody was a-OK. I always listen to the music in my IPOD and sometimes I get to dance to the beat.

It goes also to say that there are always good the comes out of bad situation, or person for that matter.

Enjoy!

A Photo Session 14

2007-05-21T09:49:00.001+08:00

photography by Jay Plogman

Pinoy Gay Blogs

2007-05-17T13:54:00.001+08:00

I recently requested to be included in the Pinoy Gay Blogs roll.
Hopefully they approve. It will be a good thing for I can be visited by other gay bloggers and fellow Pinoys at that. Isn't that neat?

Check Pinoy Gay Blogs and there are a lot of interesting things there:

http://pinoygayblogs.com/

and enjoy!

St. Aelred of Rievaulx

2007-05-16T15:53:00.000+08:00

St. Aelred on the Need for Intimate Companionship

"It is no small consolation in this life to have someone you can unite with you in an intimate affection and the embrace of a holy love, someone in whom your spirit can rest, to whom you can pour out your soul, to whose pleasant exchanges, as to soothing songs, you can fly in sorrow... with whose spiritual kisses, as with remedial salves, you may draw out all the weariness of your restless anxieties. A man who can shed tears with you in your worries, be happy with you when things go well, search out with you the answers to your problems, whom with the ties of charity you can lead into the depths of your heart; ... where the sweetness of the Spirit flows between you, where you so join yourself and cleave to him that soul mingles with soul and two become one."

St. Aelred was supposedly the patron saint of gay men and women.

The Guardian Angel Of Service

2007-05-16T10:22:00.000+08:00

The Guardian Angel Of Service, I am not in the mood to finish work today. I don't know, maybe because I keep doing the same things everyday, six days a week for the last six years.

But this angel told me to go on, do whatever it is I supposed to do. That this job is still the best job for me, for now anyway.

Though my feeling that I had given all my best, my talents, my energy, my all to this job, and it seemed I cannot give more, still I had to go on.

Until the time comes, maybe and hopefully soon another opportunity might come.

Dear God, show me the way.

Ghost Whisperer

2007-05-16T09:18:00.000+08:00

I am really in the mood for DVD marathon lately, after viewing 9 episodes of Supernatural season 2, I went on with Jennifer Love Hewitt's Ghost Whisperer.

Melinda Gordon (Jennifer) is a young wife who has this gift of seeing spirits of people who died but not yet crossed over. She helped these spirits finished their "unfinished" business so that both the spirit and the people they left behind could go on. The series touches a lot of emotions, I for one can't help shed a tear or two.

I can only recall my father who died 8 years ago and I wonder whether he is at peace now. Though I certainly believe he is, but I still get to have this feeling that he is around (which I wish) for there are a lot of things I would like to tell him.

You see, my father and I had this wall between us. That no matter how he breaks them, I keep on building it. It was the ONLY REGRET in my life. I didn't have the chance to tell him HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM and HOW PROUD I AM THAT I AM HIS SON.

He was a policeman, a good one at that. Honorable, kind, yet stern. Loving, yet strict. I was a rebel, always doing things that I believe was right and which was totally against his belief.

That was our conflict. But everything was replaced with missing and longing when he was gone. I miss his presence. I miss making coffee for him and fetching the morning paper. I miss him coming home late at night with "pasalubong" at hand and he would wake up everybody and we would share it. I miss our arguements. I miss him so much. I long for his words of wisdom. I long for his embrace. It is his birthday on Friday, May 18. He would be 59, I think.

I can't forget the last time we had a moment. He is kind of tipsy from a drinking session with his friends at our garage in our house in Tondo. He went inside for the restroom, but before going to the restroom, he has to pass by the living room where I was watching TV. He stopped in the middle of the room and called me.

"Jon, anak." smiling at me.
"Po." "Lika nga rito, halika dito." he said.
I stood up, kinda irritated cause I am watching a favorite show. I approached him. When I was about a foot away from him, he raised his arms and put his hands over my shoulders.

"Anak, ang laki-laki mo na. Parang kailan lang. Ang bilis ng panahon." I just smiled.
Then he hugged me tight. Kissed my forehead.
"Lam mo ba, ikaw ang panganay ko? Ikaw ang kaganapan ng aking pagkatao. Yung mga kapatid mo? Dumating na lang yan para may makasama ka. Pero ikaw ang bumuo sa aking pagkatao." He hugged me again and let me go.

He then smiled at me and went to the restroom. I was left there standing for a while, waiting for it to sink in. But it did not. I fought it. I went back to watching my favorite show.

A few weeks later. He died.

We had that moment. I let it pass by. I still cry when I recall that moment. That was the last time felt his warmth.

If only I knew a Melinda who could see spirits, I would give anything just to have another chance to talk with my father, for I would really like to let him know how I love him.

They say, we can only know the worth of a person when that person is gone and I learned that one should never let a moment pass by without letting them know how much they meant to you.

The Ghost Whisperer tackle these issues, and Melissa connects people and spirits for the last time before letting healing comes in. I do would like to know if he really is happy now and at peace. I can only wait for a clue. It is only then that I can really let go.

Supernatural

2007-05-15T14:42:00.000+08:00

I've always been a fan of the supernatural, ghosts, elementals, and of the beyond. This fascination was brought about by experiences that happen once in while that has something to do with the paranormal. I've seen a ghost, an elemental, I felt a presence, I sort of predict something that is yet to happen and it did happen, I read cards, I felt a connection towards certain people.

But I often disregard such experiences for deep inside me, I get scared. As much as I want to get "attuned" by nerves get to me first. I believe in God the Creator, but I also believe in these things.

My belief is that these things are part of us, and part of the so called divine design. Our paranormal capabilities are part of us, each of us has this. Sometimes they are called, concience, gut feeling, a goosebump, or more likely a hunch.

But these are real. I am a fan of a TV series called SUPERNATURAL, about two brothers who are searching for their father and their only clue is their father's journal that was left to them. The journal contains all there is, facts and knowledge about every ghostly thing and monster encountered in myth and legends but nevertheless was real enough to kill innocent victims. As they progress in following each clue of their father's whereabouts, they encountered and vanquish each of these devil's creature.

It was really a nice series, there are scary moments which surprises at times. Makes you jump off your seat. My nieces watch with me, while they held their pillows and use them to cover their faces when a scary scene is about to happen. I find it amusing and I realized, there's nothing really to be afraid of. We are scared because we chose to. Or, we don't know anything about something.

We get afraid over something that we don't have knowledge of. But once we get to know it, our fear disappears and only understanding remains.

I am now starting my DVD marathon with Season 2 of the series. Here's to the unknown.

Enter You

2007-05-12T13:53:00.000+08:00

Saw a movie last night with a special someone.
In the coziness of my bedroom, while arm around each other, we watch TRICK.
A poignant movie about a "trick" or one night stand that developed into something more than expected. Starring Christian Campbell (Neve Campbell's youngest brother) who is so cute as Gabriel and J. Pitoc as Mark, a hunky guy who appeared in Six Feet Under.

A musical songwriter and a go-go boy, by twist of fate met and tried to get on each other's pants. However, as the night went on, they just can't find the "proper" place to do it. Anyway, it includes Tori Spelling as Katherine, of the Beverly 90210 fame, who is an annoying bestfriend (fag hag) to Christian Campbell. There is a song sung by Tori Spelling, supposedly a new composition by Christian Campbell.

It is this song that endeared the movie to me, as well as an innocent presentation of a budding first love between the two guys. (Like I am also on the verge of having a new person in my life.) It is catchy and the lyrics are very nice and it's aptly titled ENTER YOU.

ENTER YOU

I've heard that all the world's a stage
And we are only players acting out some predetermined page
But it is lonely as can be
With nobody opposite me... Then...

Enter you - Voila it's showtime
You brought the house down with a dance and a dumb ditty
Enter you - In less than no time
This ugly drama has become pretty

Up went the curtain,
My lines felt wrong
Intermission seemed so far away
The plot uncertain,
The scenes too long
Life was like an uninspiring play

But now you're here - We meet stage center
I thought my storyline was through
Then enter you

Now you're here - We meet stage center
I thought my storyline was through
Then from the blue
Enter you

Like the song, I met this guy in an unexpected manner and something just sparked along the course of our meeting and here's to hoping.

How Many Times

2007-05-12T09:23:00.000+08:00

My life is a roller coaster ride.
It has a lot of ups and downs. I am looking forward to more actually cause I find these worthwhile.

How many times in our lives do we take the wrong turn and end up heartbroken?
Countless I guess, but do we stop? No. We take risks, we hit the road and go on a joyride. Doesn't really matter where the twist and turns may lead. The important thing is we tried. We mostly fail, but we tried and the lessons are very precious.

How many times in our lives do we take the right turn and feel the joy?
No so many I guess, for I believe we always take a lot of wrong turns before we find the right path to our happiness. One can only be content and true joy is for them to keep together with peace of mind.

How many times do we love and lost?
It is rare for people to find their love for the first time. The person to grow old with and spend the rest of our lives. But loving and losing is part of our existence. the joy and the pain of loving and losing work hand in hand. One cannot exist without the other and that's what makes it worth figthing for.

How many times do we meet success and failures?
A lot! The important thing is how you deal with it. If success is on the rise, savor the moment but do not forget the reasons and the people who helped you achieve it. In failing, it does not really matter if you pull yourself together and stand up from your fall with dignity and the thought that tomorrow will be another day, another chance, another opportunity to be the best you can be.

Samuel Chotebundit - Hunk 2

2007-05-11T11:23:00.000+08:00

Another HOT HOT Guy I came across the net, a Half British-Half Thai hunk from Thailand who's in modeling, acting and producing...really sizzling hot! Drool with me!

Click To Play

video courtesy of B.I.S.E.A.N blog

Coming Out

2007-05-11T09:35:00.000+08:00

I sent an email to my relatives through our yahoo group yesterday. The email contained a message of outing and a link to this blog site.

I told my relatives that it is time to get to know the real me.
You see , I am out to my siblings and mom, friends and colleagues.
But not really with my relatives, uncles, aunties, cousins and all. I feel that it is just as fair to let them know.

When I joined Mr. Gay Philippines, it is also my way of telling them. I took a risk there, and so far all am getting are warm welcome from people.

I still am waiting for any response from them. I only hope that it will be a positive one.

In any case, it doesn't matter really.

Though it would be nice knowing that they are fine about it.
I am still the same nephew and cousin they knew through the years.
My orientation has nothing to do with them. It is mine alone.

I just want to be totally free to be myself and let the light shine ever so brigthly inside my closet.

Then You Look At Me

2007-05-11T08:00:00.000+08:00

I already heard this song before, from the movie BiCentennial Man starring Robin Williams. It never struck me then. Until now, when a friend reintroduced the song to me. Sung by one of the most beautiful voices we have today, Celine Dion.

As I listened intently, I get to feel the emotion one can get from someone who loves you dearly. Just one look and everything is alright. One look and you know you're safe. And from a look you get to see a future full of love and hope.

I am getting romantic these days. Unfortunately and sadly, my OOA (Object of Affection) will be leaving by tomorrow to work overseas and we never get to know each other too deeply.
He told me, whenever he sleeps over, that he watches me sleep during the night. He just stare at my face and sometimes run his fingers gently over my cheeks and forehead. Gently brushing some hairs off. How sweet can you get? I will miss him so much.

Here goes...
Laugh and cry, live and die
Life is a dream we are dreaming
Day by day I find my way
Look for the soul and the meaning

Then you look at me
And I always see
What I have been searching for
I'm lost as can be
Then you look at me
And I am not lost anymore

People run, sun to sun
Caught in their lives ever flowing
Once begun, life goes till it's gone
We have to go where it's going

Then you look at me
And I always see
What I have been searching for
I'm lost as can be
Then you look at me
And I am not lost anymore

And you say you see
When you look at me
The reason you love life so
Though lost I have been
I'll find love again
And life just keeps on running
And life just keeps on running
You look at me and life comes from you... from you

A Survey

2007-05-10T13:03:00.000+08:00

what is your full name? charlemagne

nicknames? carlo, charlie, charles, magno, baby, dahling, pssst!

where do you live? kawit, cavite

what color underwear are you wearing right now? blue low rise brief from Bench

what was the last thing you did? read About A Boy And His Briefs blog

what is right next to you? my ipod nano, a tumbler of water and a pile of paperwork

who was the last person you ate out with? my sister

if u were a toy, what would you be? a rubic cube, am complicated.

where would you want to go on your honeymoon? Paris, wish ko lang

who would you want to spend the rest of your life with? a man who I love slightly less than he loves me.

how many buddies do you have on your ym list? many, but I don’t know all of them.

hows the weather right now? warm and clear

last person you spoke to on the phone? my staff

last person who texted you? the person I sent a message wrongly asking who am I.

last person you texted? my staff

whats your ring tone? a beep.

do you like the person who sent this to you? I stole it, but definitely an interesting blog site

what do you think a toblerone is? that prism shaped chocolate.

age? 34.

hair? short, wavy and black.

what are you wearing right now? office uniform

do you wear contacts? nope

what college do/did you attend? a college enclosed inside sturdy walls built during the 18^th century.

who do consider your closest/bestest friends? “A”

what was the best advice ever given to you? life is short, don’t waste it.

do you own a vehicle? nope.

have you ever won a special award? yeah, employee of the year.

what are your future plans? aren’t all plans future?

favorite food. numerous to list.

favorite film? a lot to recall, but mostly romantic comedies.

last film you saw at cinema? 300.

favorite day of the year? my birthday

do you like to dance? a lot.

are you too shy to ask anyone out? a bit.

do you sleep naked? Yep.

what is the most stupid thing you have ever done? since you learn from everything, nothing you do is truly stupid. (well, unless you do it twice.)

do you like scary or happy movies? Happy.

christmas or easter? Christmas

lust or love? Lust for now, love forever.

kisses or hugs? Deep, slightly sloppy kisses and a lot of hugs

if you could change one thing, what would it be? nothing really, my life is a journey of ups and downs, I love it.

color are your pajamas? skin toned

what color’s your toothbrush? blue and white.

what do you think of this survey? tiring.

do you want your friends to write back? not required.

who is the most likely to respond? not going to put anyone on spot by sending it out. But anyone who reads is free to take it.

who is the least likely to respond? see above.

worst feeling in the world? being left

worst sound? my snoring

whats the first thing you think of when you wake up? another day, another chance

roller coaster, scary or exciting? exciting

how many times do you let the phone ring before you answer it? people count this??

if you could meet one person, dead or alive, who would it be? my dad and madonna

if you could have any job in the world what would it be? a travel writer.

what are you thinking right now? my balls itch.

is the glass half empty or half full? always half full

whats your fave number? 5

something nice about the person who sent this to you? I stole it, didn’t I?

what do you prefer dark or fair? does not matter

does size matter? not to me.

most important physical feature? there’s no “most important,” but I do love the good physique

day or night? both.

cake or pie? cake.

silver or gold? silver seems classier to me

diamonds or pearls? not a jewelry person

sunrise or sunset? sunrise is always a new beginning

have you ever broken a bone? nope.

do you hate anyone? nope

what do you dream about? I travel in my dreams a lot.

do you have a huge crush on someone right now? yeah, leandro okabe…drools…..

who do you turn to for advice? generally try to work it out myself instead of bothering others with my problems

if you could have one skill in life, what would it be? would rather just improve the skills I do have

your favorite place to shop? Bench

what scares you? getting too close to someone and losing them.

what are you listening to right now? Irreplaceable by Beyonce

do you want to get married? I don’t want ceremony or even rings. Just a mutual understanding.

favorite color? Blue

favorite subject at school? Literature

favorite music album? Affirmation by Savage Garden

favorite animal? Dogs and Fish

have you ever given someone a bath? Yes. Both practically and sensually.

bunjee jumped? Nope. Soon.

have you ever broken the law? Yes.

gone skinny dipping? Regularly.

word association.

zebra: stripes.

socks: smelly

stupid: cute

silly: funny.

red: intense.

fish: elusive.

space: freedom

home: heart.

Ode To Mango Ice Cream

2007-05-10T10:57:00.000+08:00

No other ice cream flavor really had caught my fancy ever since I was a kid way back when. When my father brought home one day a gallon size container it was the first ice cream flavor I tasted and the rich, creamy, tangy and sweet flavor of mango traumatized my young taste buds that it recalls the same feeling every time I have some.

Mango Ice Cream had been part of my life. Many celebrated events in the course of my existence had come and always Mango Ice Cream was present.

My 7^thbirthday.

My First Communion

My Boy Scout Investitute Ceremony

My Elementary Graduation

My High School Graduation

My College Years

During my birthday

And whenever I fancy something cold and creamy.

Current beau’s anniversary.

Not to mention my parent’s anniversary and whenever I have a say on what flavor of ice cream to buy at my siblings, nephew’s, nieces’, in-laws’ birthdays too.

Mango Ice Cream, any brand will do.

There are break-ups and reconciliations over mango ice cream, love blooms also over mango ice cream. I heard and listened to a lot of stories about life and heartaches from friends and acquaintances while eating this flavorful dessert.

During summer whenever I went on vacation at my cousin’s Mango Ice Cream was also present.

Whenever I am not in the mood, or if I am in the mood.

Whenever I am lonely, or I am happy.

During my father’s wake when he passed away, and to make me remember him by, Mango Ice Cream.

Mango Ice Cream…I think I’ll have some today. My mouth waters.

New Beginnings

2007-05-10T08:00:00.000+08:00

I consulted my Angel cards this morning and I ask for an insight on a certain issue that I have been going through.

You see, a special person is leaving and I feel like we were never given enough time to really get to know each other and develop the friendship into a much, much deeper level.

But I told him that we will try to continue what we have for as long as we can. Long distance relationship is really hard, especially for me when I am a physical person. I love the intimacy and the togetherness.

My angel showed me this card, The Guardian Angel of Children.
In the Bible, Jesus called the children around him and played with them, and told the people, we should be like the children in order to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Of course, not in a literal sense for that would be absurd. It is the enthusiasm for things, to explore new horizons, new beginnings and doing it with heart.

I feel like my angel is telling me to begin to cherish this new relationship and work at it with my heart. To try to accept the situation and work on it with excitement and love.

Everyone has this inner child inside, longing to be loved and cared for, mine is yearning.
I just have to open the door and let someone's love in and hold my inner child in his arms.
Lovingly.

Take Time To

2007-05-10T07:44:00.000+08:00

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches;)

3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and Lots of time with HIM/HER.

6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

10,000th Hit

2007-05-09T12:28:00.000+08:00

Today is the 10,000th hit of my blog.

Thank you to all browsers who find my blog interesting enough. I just hope it touches your lives in one way or another. I try to make it as honest as I can and please bear with me when times are rough, join me in my times of joy and comfort me when times are bad.

Keep visiting and there's more to come!

Love you all!

My First Boracay Trip

2007-05-07T14:28:00.000+08:00

I had an opportunity to go to Boracay with some friends and it was a memorable time indeed.
We took the long way, by bus through RORO and it feels like we were in an AMAZING RACE game.

It was a 12 hour travel, tiring but fun.
When we reached Boracay, I was greeted by white, fine sand beach and crystal clear waters.
It was breathaking, serene, and so relaxing.

It was my first time to go sunbathing, as in. For I do not really stay under the sun that long, but the beach is so inviting and almost everyone is lying on the sand and cots, basking and getting their tans.

And I got mine. I love my color, light brown to golden.
Feels like a new me.

We stayed in a beachfront room just a few steps away from the beach. We had fun walking to the "talipapa" and an open-aired "mall."
We ate grilled seafoods and meat.

But mostly, we just bummed around. Lay on the plastic cots under big umbrellas and sleep by the beach while my hand IPOD played some groovy music in my ears.

Every late afternoon we spread our mat on a secluded part of the beach among the rocks and talk about a lot of things, and I get to know my friends more. When one late afternoon just when its about to get dark, we were surprised by sea snake trying to cross its way along the sand towards the beach. We all got scared but laugh at it in the end.

My first Boracay trip, truly a memorable experience indeed.

Elusive Love

2007-04-27T13:24:00.000+08:00

I noticed that LOVE has been so elusive lately.
Everytime I find a guy special. Either he is taken, not ready and worst, leaving for another place.

I would like to try again.
I would like to feel arms around me again.
I would like to hear whispered words of sweetness into my ear again
I would like to make love night and day again.

I would like to feel safe at night knowing someone sleeps beside me again.
I would like to dream for two again.
I would like to talk nonsense and enjoy it with someone again.

I would like to cry on someone's shoulder again.
I would like to wake up everyday looking forward to seeing someone again.
I would like to come home to someone again.

I would like to go crazy and hear laughters again.
I would like to argue over petty things again.

I would like to fall head over heels in love again.

Contradictory Thoughts

2007-04-27T11:25:00.000+08:00

I got a laugh when I saw my last two posts before this.

Two contradictory posts...about sex and my angel query.

We'll, that's me. I have reconciled my spirituality and personality long time ago.

I believe I am special and whatever my orientation be, I know my God will never forsake me.

I don't believe in judgement made by man, there is only one being that can judge me and fairly well and that is my Lord, my Creator.

I am me. I was born to be whoever I want to be. It is my blessing. It is my gift.

Healing

2007-04-27T11:09:00.000+08:00

I ramdomly picked an Angel Card this morning to ask for some insight on what was it that bothers me on a deeper level. Because lately, I have been experiencing confusion and indecision over some things that is coming my way. There are choices to be made, decisions, and opportunities. But it seemed that I cannot go on. Something is pulling me back.

And there it was, my angel had revealed me the answer.

The Archangel Raphael, the one who heals.

I need to heal. Heal the part of me that had been hurt. Heal the part of me that needs to close. Feelings, thoughts, memories and all.

Time to let go and let myself live my life anew.
Which is what I have been doing actually but just not fully.

Time to say goodbye and say hello.
Time to bury old feelings and feel anew.
Time to let go and be free.

Yaoi - Japanese Gay Cartoons

2007-04-24T12:31:00.000+08:00

I was browsing one of the threads in an all gay-bi site and come across this forum on Gay Cartoons.

Never was I turned on by such illustration.
I am never a fan of Japanese Animation, well except eons ago when Voltes V, Mazinger Z and Daimoz were a fad!

Back when I wish I was Jamie instead of Steve, Sayaka and not Mazinger Z and who would forget Erica of Daimoz?

Nowadays, you could watch a lot in local TV. But I've outgrown them. Now these comics...my gosh! I can't help myself from going wide eyed, gawk, grovel and stare!

Well who wouldn't?

Leandro Okabe - Hunk 1

2007-04-24T08:02:00.000+08:00

I often go ga-ga over guys. Especially when he looks like this guy - LEANDRO OKABE, a mixture of races and the result was a demi-god worth worshipping.

I will once in a while post pictures of demi-gods and these men fills my wetdreams, and I do hope it will fill yours too.

The Best Of Me

2007-04-16T10:25:00.000+08:00

As I look back and recall, there are moments in your life that brings out the best in you.
I had mine, when I joined the Mr. Gay Philippines search.

" The greatest learning in life is to know yourself, for if you know yourself, who you really are, you know what you can and cannot do. You can achieve anything and will lead you to greater heights without shame nor prejudice."

I wasn't my night, but it was my moment. I did what I know my best, for a first timer in a grand competition.
Yet I feel I end up a winner. I won my self-esteem.
I won my pride.
I won my courage.
And found out who I really am.

My Favorite Party Place - BED

2007-04-16T07:45:00.000+08:00

BED a place where one can be free to be oneself, dance to their heart's fancy and to mingle with people.
It's a disco, bar and a place to relax all in one. Beautiful people flock in this place to unwind and be seen.
My friends and I often go there Thursday, or Friday, or Saturday nights and party until the wee hours in the morning.
Located in the heart of Malate area.
There is no one like it. It is where I can be me with no pretensions. I can let myself free and dance to the fabulous music the DJs play.

Truly, there is no one like it.

Would you go to BED with me?

A Puerto Galera Adventure

2007-04-13T10:30:00.000+08:00

At last, I had experienced Puerto Galera. Finally I enjoyed my long Holy Week vacation.
Year after year, I always plan to go there, with some friends but often it didn't push through. But alas, with some fellow Mr. Gay Philippines candidates and organizers, I had my Puerto Galera moment. The trip was not that long nor bad, it was all worth it. After staying for at least six hours at the Batangas pier waiting for our ferry ride, we arrived at Puerto Galera, Mindoro at dawn. The shore was calm, the water, crystal clear and the sand, not white but cream colored, nevertheless nice. I brought my tent and so one of the candidates and we looked for a place to pitch them. We found an area by the shore and happily set up.
For four days we had a blast.
Playing beach volleyball, eating out, got ourselves henna tatooes (I got a dolphin on my chest!), walk around parading topless and feel the stares of the other beachcombers...lolz. At night there were parties all around, lots of bars, disco, concerts, games, music...fun, fun, fun!
For three days straight also I always come to my tent drunk from the famous Mindoro Sling (a conconction of alcohol and fruit juices Puerto Galera bars are famous for) but it was good!
I also visited the famous "Jurassic Park" and the "Rockwell" where they say a lot of "happenings" commence every night and the wee hours of the morning.
One can really noticed that most beachcombers were "men" which was the beach is famous for also, for every Holy Week, most Bi and Gay men flock to this place to unwind, and "haunt." Ooh and a lot of them are there indeed. I can't help but gawk, grovel and stare at the hot bodies and gorgeous faces of men in almost their nakedness!

Whew!

In the end, I tried, one sunset, to sit on a "banca" on the shore watch the sun slowly go down the horizon and reflect on my life and how blessed I was.

I closed my eyes and say a little prayer of thanksgiving to the Almighty for all the wonderful things He had done in my life. As that's the Holy Week is for ain't it?

A Tribute To A Friend

2007-04-11T12:57:00.000+08:00

It is rare to meet someone and share your life with, be it a moment or a lifetime.
Especially when it comes to friends. They are blessings for me and I cannot live without them around.
Rarely too that you get to meet friends who are real.
I am glad I met someone I can call my friend.
Ray Allen, here's to you.

just go on my friend
spread your wings and fly
like a phoenix you are
you will never die

just go and fly to the skies
they are waiting for you
just remember me always
where ever you may go

just go on and meet your destiny
it's always been there waiting
it's your time to shine you say
claim it and end the dreaming

Show them what you've got Mr. Gay Philippines 2007!

A Photo Session 13

2007-04-03T07:57:00.000+08:00

photography by Dominic James

Holy Week

2007-04-02T15:08:00.000+08:00

Holy Week brings back a lot of memories, mostly during the early days of my life.
We used to live in Tondo, a suburb in Manila, there I grew up and learned a lot about life.
My parents held this annual "PABASA" or "PASYON" and for almost 20 years, year after year during Maundy Thursday til Good Friday, an overnight non-stop singing of the book containing the life and times of our Lord Jesus Christ takes place.

The Pasyon refers to the verse narrative on the life and sufferings of Jesus Christ. The pasyon text may be written in Tagalog or in other major Philippine languages, like Pampango, Ilocano, Pangasinan, Bicol, Ilongo, Cebuano, and Waray. There are also pasyon narrative among the Ibanag and Itawes of Cagayan, the Gaddang of Nueva Vizcaya, and the Cuyunon of Palawan. Among the Tagalog, the most commonly used text is entitled Casaysayan ng pasiong mahal ni Jesucristong Panginoon natin na sucat ipag-alab ng puso ng sinumang babasa (An account of the sacred passion of our Lord Jesus Christ which should inflame the heart of anyone who reads it), which is one of the many later editions of a work by an unknown writer first published in 1814.

Continuous singing of this length is not practiced in the Spanish and Mexican lenten traditions. It relates to the Philippine cultural practice connected with epic singing during important celebrations of the community. The pasyon may also be chanted, though rarely now, during wakes and death anniversaries, as well as during the reenactment of Christ's Last Supper on Holy Thursday evening. There are various melodies and musical styles in the rendering of the pasyon.

Because the text is in 5-line stanzas while melodic phrases tend to be symmetrical, various techniques are employed to reconcile the difference. In a widely used, old Tagalog punto, the first musical phrase encompasses lines 1 and 2, while the second musical phrase covers lines 3, 4, and 5. In adapting folk song melodies or similar tunes, a four-phrase melody is first sung for lines 1 to 4, which is repeated to render lines 2 to 5. Another formula makes a four-phrase melody coincide with lines 1 to 4 and appends a stock melody or standard melodic ending for line five. Generally, pasyon singing is a capella.

The pasyon chanting tradition is seen by many of its practitioners as a vow or panata made by an individual or family, which in many cases has been passed on from one to two generations back.

There were a lot of events that happen during those years, some natural, some for me, supernatural other just plain memories.

Once an earthquake occured at about 3:00 P.M in the afternoon, just about the time (supposedly) that Jesus died.
Then almost always during about that time too on Good Friday, the sky is a bit dark as if rain is coming though it did not.
Blessing pour out, for the community share their part on feeding the singers and those who sang overnight and other helpers. Food is abundant, the community unites for that particular moment.

Me I am always busy eating, but nonetheless do my part in singing at least for an hour with my siblings. In between the hours men doing penitence passes by and pray with us. These men scared me and my siblings back then for these men wore blood-soaked tattered clothes and beat their backs with blade or broken glass-ridden whips. We would often ran inside the house and peeked through the window or the door til they pass.

Most of all, I remember my Papa, my father who leads everyone with this event.
After the "PABASA" everyone would remove their shoes or slippers and carry their own patron saints or crucifix and together as one, we'll walk for about some kilometers, barefooted towards Sto. Nino church for a special mass to all devotees and upon returning back to the community there will be this one big banquet for everyone to enjoy.

Time. Fleeting. Fast. Goes by that quickly.
My father died a few years back and we tried to continue with this legacy.

But soon we moved out of Tondo and now settles in Cavite. The closest province to Manila.
The "PABASA" stopped but the memory lives on.

I sometimes still hear the echo of the melody my neighbors sang in the deepest caverns of my mind. I can still dream of my Papa walking barefooted and carrying our crucifix, I know that act of his is his own way of bearing all the worries and troubles for his family. It's his way of sparing us all our sadness and pains. I miss him so much.

It was a good memory and forever will be in my heart.

A Photo Session 12

2007-03-27T08:21:00.000+08:00

photography by Gymratz

Media Presentation - Mr. Gay Philippines Candidates

2007-03-27T08:01:00.000+08:00

Just want to share with you this footage when we, the candidates for Mr. Gay Philippines Search were presented to the media last March 15, 2007

This page requires a higher version browser
For the latest Philippine news stories and videos, visit GMANews.TV

A Photo Session 11

2007-03-26T09:36:00.000+08:00

photography by Highmercury

Oh Boy!

2007-03-26T09:28:00.000+08:00

I told myself sometime ago that I will try to stay single and enjoy it for a moment, and I am.
But someone came and he seemed to be a nice guy, interesting, fun and cool.

Now I am confused.

I have this dilema. I have to weight things out and follow what my heart tells me.

Part of it says that it is ok, but there's a part that also tells me am not ready.

Oh boy!

Aftermath

2007-03-20T07:55:00.000+08:00

The competition ended last March 17th and it was one hell of an experience.

I did not make it, BUT it doesn't mean I am not a winner.

I am a winner...

I am a better person.
I had better self esteem.
I had better self confidence.
I had learned that I can do anything if I focus.
I learned that I am not alone at all, that I got friends and family who'll be there no matter what.
I gained new friends.

And above all, a knowledge that "the greatest learning in life is to know oneself,"

what more can I ask for?

Soon It Will Be Over

2007-03-14T08:15:00.000+08:00

A few days from now and the competition for the Mr. Gay Philippines will commence and we'll know who will represent the country in Hollywood, California for the international pageant.

I am feeling anxious, excited, a bit nervous and happy all at the same time. I will do my best and for whatever its worth, any outcome I leave it all to God.

I have learned a lot from joining in this activity.

I learned to trust myself more.
That I can be who I really am regardless of what others might say.
That there is this power inside of me that if I only ackowledge it and use it I can be more than I am and can do whatever I want to do.
That to have self-confidence one must know oneself and trust one's capabilities.
That there are families and friends who will be there always to help and support you all the way.
That there are friendships that blossom.
That this is all fun.

I improved on my stance, and the way I spoke.
I worked out, lose some weight AND FINALLY, started to see packs on my abs! Woo hoo!

I can do whatever I like if I only focus and ignore distractions.

A friend and mentor once told me and it stuck by me eversince, "the greatest learning in life is to know oneself," and I got to know myself better, am for that I am already a winner.

Wish me luck!

Happy Birthday To Me

2007-03-07T07:36:00.000+08:00

Another year, another chance
Another year, another dance

What's instore? What's new?
Saying hello or saying adieu?

Birthdays and celebrations
Renewal of expectations

Anyway does it really matter?
Happy birthday to me.

March 7th

2007-03-01T10:51:00.000+08:00

It's my birth month once again. Am turning 34 on the 7th, I am totally out of the calendar dates.
Nevertheless, what to expect? Hmmm, let me count 'em:
1. I will definitely reach my goal of having that great body. (I'd like to to keep myself healthy and strong.)
2. I will concentrate on activities that will enhance my personal well-being.
3. I will live each day in gratitude and joy.
4. Problems will always be there but I will always think positive.
5. Gain more friends.
6. Look for more exciting things to do.
7. Read, read, read more books.
8. Make a career move.
9. Try to travel more.
10. Be more responsible.
11. Be confident and believe in myself more.
12. Be always the better person.
13. This should be the first...pray more and listen to God's whispers and guidance.
14. Love life....hmmm....that I won't plan.
15. Be more patient.

Mr. Gay Philippines

2007-02-21T07:47:00.000+08:00

Hi guys, I have been busy with a lot of activities these days, juggling work and a new and exciting activity.

I joined the search for Mr. Gay Philippines and I am having the time of my life being one of the finalist.

We have photoshoots, press conference, fittings, personality training, a visit to the dermatoligist and lots of other fun and enjoyable activities.

I am a restless spirit and always on the look out for something to bring excitement and fun memories in my life. Joing this contest though is not easy for we have to project a positive image of the gay community, especially the Filipino gay community.

There are a lot of stereotypes and we will represent the other side of the spectrum, the straight acting gay men. However, this does not mean the other stereotypes will be excluded, but rather the winner will represent what a gay Filipino man is and how he will let the world acknowledge this.

The winner will be sent to L.A. USA to compete with the rest of the world for the Mr. Gay International Search.

I am no. 06 among the 21 candidates and hopefully I end up among the top. For I'd like to be the voice of my gay Filipino brothers and tell the world that we are one and the same, but with a twist, for Filipino gay men are the most loving, caring, and talented men in the world, right?

We Belong Together - Mariah Carey

2007-02-15T12:56:00.000+08:00

When you left I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe, Come back baby please
We belong together
Who else am I gonna lean on When times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone Till the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place, There ain't nobody better
We belong together

Only One You

2007-02-15T09:20:00.000+08:00

Only one you
by John Fischer

Mister Rogers was right after all: There is only one you. But this information is much more important than to just be boosting your self-esteem. It is to help you better serve others by being more confident about your God-given role in life.

No one else fits your shape. No one else has your blend of gifts, talents, and natural abilities – making you very important in the whole scheme of things. “God made our bodies with many parts,” wrote Paul, “and he has put each part just where he wants it.” (1 Corinthians 12:18) And as it is with the human body, so it is with the Body of Christ – the corporate collection of all who believe.

But this uniqueness goes beyond giftedness; it reaches as well into the depth of each of our experiences in life. No one else has your life. No one else has your pain, your hardship, your joys and sorrows. Everything in life shapes us and we are shaped by everything for a reason – so that we can touch others in a unique way based upon who we are and what we’ve been through. God doesn’t waste anything in our lives.

Every piece of our lives and experiences can be used of Christ to touch someone else. We were made for each other; we live for each other; we even die for each other. We die with hope so that others who live might see the reality of Christ in even the darkest of hours. God uses everything.

Are you just getting by, or are you living for a reason? Think about your unique gifts and ask yourself how those gifts are benefiting others. What specific way is God using you to touch others in the Body of Christ? Do you seem to have an extra measure of wisdom, or mercy, or discernment, or knowledge, or administration, or desire to serve? These will help determine how you can look for opportunities to help others.

And then think about the things you have gone through so far in your life – especially the difficult or challenging things where God has met you with his presence and power. That information is not just for you, it’s for you to empathize with and encourage others who have encountered similar struggles.

God isn’t messing around here. There are no accidents with our lives. Whatever we have received and experienced has shaped who we are, and because of that, we are qualified servants. There is truly no one else like you … for a reason.

Happy Valentines Day!

2007-02-14T09:21:00.000+08:00

It is great to be in love, to love and be loved. But always remember how love should be.
This is my favorite Bible Verse and I hope everyone agrees with me.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the t ruth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. - 1 Corinthians 13:1-13

A Photo Session 10

2007-02-12T15:10:00.000+08:00

photography by Kargador

Cry - Mandy Moore

2007-02-12T08:46:00.000+08:00

I'll always remember, it was late afternoon,
It lasted forever, but ended so soon...

A Walk To Remember

2007-02-12T07:57:00.000+08:00

There are a few movies that really touched my heart. I haven't read the book by Nicholas Sparks but saw the movie version of his novel, A Walk To Remember.

A teeny-bopper movie really, but it has its lessons. A love story between a happy-go-lucky boy and a nerdy girl whom is always the laughing stock of the school. But what they don't know is the the girl (played by Mandy Moore) has this inner peace within her and accepted her fate wholeheartedly. She is sick and dying of leukemia.

Well the boy fell in love with her despite the fact his friends turned their backs on him for doing so. Because the girl made him feel like there is something good in him, he can be the best he can be and to go on following him dreams. She inspired him.

There were lots of sweet moments, like the girl has a list of "to do" things before she goes and one by one the boy makes them all come true. Until the girl told him the truth which devastates the boy (played by Shane West, by the way). So angry was the boy because now that his life is getting better, he's going to lose the one person who made it so.

But he reconciled with his dad who left him and his mom. He learned to forgive and let his anger subsides to the people who hurted him. He got faith. He learned to accept his girlfriends fate and did the best he could to make her remaining life a good one.

She is not afraid to die, only scared to leave the guy behind.
She has no reason to get angry with God, but now she has.
But both of them find consolation in each other's love for one another. They even got married.

I love movies that inspires. My tears fell on one scene when the boy came to his father's place, crying, when the dad opened the door, he just stood there crying and the father came near and they hugged, tight, while the boy kept saying sorry.

A poignant movie of young love and the power it has in changing people's lives.
the girl's last on the list was to witness a miracle. This one was a difficult task for the boy to do and was saddened when the girl pased away without seeing that miracle. But the father of the girl told the boy after four years, when the boy is already in college and in medschool. That the miracle the girl had been waiting for indeed came true. It was the boy. It was him. Because his life was changed and that indeed was a miracle.

Plus the soundstrack is realy good. Sang by Mandy Moore herself, Only Hope and Cry.

I'm a hopeless romantic though some say the movie is simple, but that's not really it. It is always the message, the feelings, the emotions you get and feel which for me is a great movie.
A Walk To Remember.

Push The Button - Sugarbabes

2007-02-08T10:43:00.000+08:00

Yeah, if you're ready for me boy,
You better push the button and let me know
before I get the wrong idea and go...

A Photo Session 9

2007-02-08T09:05:00.000+08:00

photography by Kargador

Affirmation - Savage Garden

2007-02-08T08:00:00.001+08:00

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self-esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I Remember The Boy, But I Don't Remember The Feeling

2007-02-07T16:26:00.000+08:00

If you loved a guy and share with him your life for quite sometime. What happens when the relationship ends?

I remember the very first time. It's as if he was your whole world.
I remember the times when we both struggle from day to day.
Sharing what little we have. But that doesn't matter because all you knew was you are happy sharing the hard times together.

And the good times are a blast.
But things started to change. I may never change things, the hurts and the pains. But I loved, and never gave up. I never gave up.

Soon it was over. Now as I look back, it still haunts me, I can still remember, but I don't want to feel this way again. So today I will still remember, but only the boy and never the feelings anymore.

I remember the boy...

Today I heard them play the song again, an old familiar strain from way back when. Every note and every line, has always been a favorite song of mine.
It used to hunt me so some years ago, reminds me of a boy I used to know. And although the melody lives on, the memories and the boy are all but gone.

So while the song still brings that certain glow and world still sings of love I know.
It isn't quite the way it was before. I remember the boy, but I don't remember the feeling anymore.

The promises we made seemed easier then, as if we knew our love would never end. But seasons change and time erases the tears as swiftly as the rivers disappear.

I remember the boy, but I don't remember the feeling.
I remember the boy, but I don't remember the feeling, anymore.

The ABC Of Me

2007-02-07T08:00:00.000+08:00

A - Anything goes as long as it is fun and worth trying for.
B - Better Person - am trying to be the better person in any situation.
C - Care too much, sometimes I do and they took advantage.
D - Devil in me, careful though, it might come out and hurt you.
E - Ego, I do have mine. I am human, but I keep it inside a box, inside a drawer, locked inside my head.
F - Friendships, that I value so much. I have but a few, but I will treasure them forever.
G - Good days, I long for. I always look forward to good days, no matter how bad today is.
H - Hope, that everything will be alright in the end. It's what keeps me going and what motivates me to take risks.
I - I am what I am. Love me or hate me.
J - Justice. I would love to see justice served at all circumstances, to be fair and equal, despite the status, appearance and personality.
K - Kindness. Being nice is a blessing, but to be kind is godly.
L - Love. Encompasses everything there is worth living for.
M - Memories. I am sentimental. I am fond of remembering moments especially if that moment brought out the best in me.
N - Nice, I like nice people. In a world full of shit, nice people are always a blessing.
O - Out, I am out, to my family and friends.
P - Passionate. I am a passionate person both with relationship and whatever I put my mind into.
Q - Quiet. I tend to be quiet, especially when I am mad, hurting and lonesome.
R - Rest. Working hard pay the bills and buy good things. But resting is priceless, don't hesitate whenever you get the chance. Life is to be savoured not laboured.
S - Sex. Ain't it a great thing?
T - Trust. Not the rubber, but the real thing. It's is a peace of mind over someone and something.
U - Us. Always us. Together, never you or I. Together is better than being alone.
V - Vanity, my favorite sin.
W - Waste. There's no sense in regretting wasted time and effort when you had the chance to choose wisely on that particular moment.
X - XXX, my hobby. Ha! Ha! Ha!
Y - Yahweh, God, the Creator should always be first in everything we do.
Z - Zzzzz. After all this...another favorite hobby...sleeping, and I wish with someone to hug.

A Photo Session 8

2007-02-05T15:35:00.000+08:00

photography by Tronks

Hey Mr. DJ Put The Record On

2007-02-05T10:52:00.000+08:00

I always loved Madonna's music and who hasn't? Since the early eighties until the millienium, she stood strong and going. Her music still catches attention and fans all over the world. I have had my fair share of collection and I never fail to listen to them, even once in a while.

One dance tune "Music" though I like listening to it, had somehow got more meaning into it. Not only because of its catchy beat and nice lyrics but because of an experience that I will never, ever, ever forget.

"Hey, Mr. DJ, put the record on I wanna dance with my baby..." The first line goes. I met a long time crush in person in a disco bar, he was, you got it, a DJ. No names, I'd like to preserve the memory in my mind, for as long as I can. Forever that is.

You know how it feels like when you have a crush? You get shy, quiet, and you blush. I bet I blushed when we were introduced, but the disco bar was dark and the only light were coming from some spotlight reflected on the mirror ball, and the loud music made us talk to each other's ear. (You can't imagine how my heart beats twice as fast everytime I had to talk to his ear).

A lady friend introduced us unintentionally, and I had to check my pulse every now and then, I can't seemed to breathe, my head is reeling. We talked for a bit and then he asked me to dance. Our lady friend left us when I whispered to her that the guy was my ultimate crush. She laughed and said, "well, good luck!"

We danced the whole night, we held hands when we went to the bar and treat me to another pitcher of my favorite drink. We held hands when we went to the restroom together. We found a corner and danced in the dark. Our bodies, getting closer and closer, our faces closer too. We talked, check each other out every now and then if everything was still ok. We stared at each other's eyes. Then I closed mine and danced, I just felt the music controlling me. I felt my heartbeat. My mind was swirling, I am tipsy too. When I opened them, and wished he was still looking at me, he was, at the same time, smiling at me. Oh, that eyes. It burned my soul.

Suddenly the world stopped. It was only me and him. I moved my head closer to his, closer, closer, eyes still locked on each other. I closed my eyes once again and I felt his lips onto mine. A kiss. My knees shook. I had to hold onto him. I enclosed my arms around his waist and he did the same. We kissed. I sucked his lips, so soft, I tasted his mouth, I lightly sucked his tongue, my breathing erratic. I can't hear a thing, believe me.

The music went silent, I can't see the crowd. I only saw him right there in front of me. Then it was over, our lips parted, the noise came back, the roaring crowd was there again. He smiled and that's all it took for me to assure that everything was not a dream. That I am really there, in the corner, with a great guy, the person whom I had the BIGGEST CRUSH, and dancing the night away.

I told our lady friend, I could die! She laughed of course, ha, ha, ha! I was kidding. I told her too that I will remember the moment for the rest of my life. She said, that it was too much, and laughed again.

Nevertheless, I had one very special moment. I could never replace that in my heart and in my mind. The feeling, the heartbeat, the kiss, the moment the world stopped for me, the very first time I felt the world stopped for me. The very first time my knees shook upon kissing a guy and I will remember, will always remember for the rest of my life.

"Music, makes the people, come together, yeah!"

Feeling Good Today

2007-02-03T11:28:00.001+08:00

I am feeling good today.
I am feeling good about myself today.

Thanks to some people who are there to boost up my self-confidence.
Thanks to some people who takes the time to make me feel good about myself.

Thank God I am still here.
Thank you Ma. I'll make you proud of me one day.
Thanks to friends, always there when you need them.

To the incubus that comes to haunt me at night. That filled my mind with thoughts and induces my imagination.

Thank you to fate. Thank you to the opportunities.
I believe in leap of faith. So whatever I do, its always a leap of faith. Provided my heart is the one leading me.

For the Bible says, "The eternal God is your refuge, And underneath are the everlasting arms...(Deuteronomy 33:27)." Whatever happens, God will never abandon me.

So I will try not to worry much. Leave it to heavens to direct me and show me the way.
There is always a way.
Always.

I might be feeling down, but only because I have to contemplate. Soon the dark clouds will disappear and the sun will come out shining.

What the hell I am talking about?

I am just feeling good today.

A Photo Session 7

2007-02-03T08:50:00.000+08:00

photography by Kargador

Maybe My Heart Told Your Heart

2007-02-01T09:06:00.000+08:00

Just want to share with you...since it's the Love Month...one of my favorite poem..

Maybe my heart told your heart
It had a parking space outside
Or that we both like taking walks
And doing things at night

Maybe our hearts have the same favorite colors
And found each other that way
Or maybe it was because they both like sunshine best
And always tell the summer to stay

Maybe your heart sent my heart a secret message
That said "I've been waiting for you, let's go!"
Or maybe when it comes to things like these

There aren't reasons
Hearts just know

I'm glad we found each other

By Ashley

I really feel in love and light headed whenever I read this poem. I find it so sweet, simple and yet I can feel the warmth and the romance. I don't know really...I'm beginning to think this is my most favorite poem.

Mood Swings and Feelings

2007-01-31T10:35:00.000+08:00

You may notice that like a roller coaster that goes up and down, my moods had been exactly like that and feelings for that matter.

Please bear with me. I write whatever I feel at a certain moment. If I am feeling a little high then you'll read something uplifting, but when I am feeling a little low, well, you guess it right, something sad or melancholic.

Well, one of the best things on being human I guess, our feelings. We express it anyway we want it.
I guess it keeps us in touch with our inner selves for these feelings came from within.

Sometimes outside factors tend to affect it.

But the heart always knows.

And I am just sharing my joys and my pains. Just promise you'll always be there.

Don't You Think?

2007-01-30T08:05:00.000+08:00

A dear friend sent these lines to me, and it struck me. Here I am impatiently waiting for things to happen in my life. Here I am waiting impatiently for someone to come into my life and yet, I still have a lot of questions. I still have a lot of things in my mind.

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not seek the answeres, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answers."
(Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet)

I should prioritize, I need to think things over and take it one at a time.
I should get back to my New Year's List and start to do them one by one.

Or plan, or just let things be.

Life has its way of solving things and all I have to do is be patient and throw the questions into the air and let God catch it one by one. In due time, I will just be surprised that all of my queries will be answered when I least expect it.

Don't you think?

Inside Your Heaven - Bo Bice

2007-01-29T12:41:00.000+08:00

I've been down, but now I'm blessed
I felt a revelation comin' around
I guess it's right, it's so amazing,
Everytime I see you, I'm alive,
You're all I got, you lift me up.
The sun andthe moonlight,
All my dreams are in your eyes. I

wanna be inside your heaven
Take me to the place you cry from
Where the storm blows your way,
I wanna be the Earth that holds you
Every bit of air you breath in, of soothin' wind
I wanna be inside you heaven.

When we touch, when we love
The stars line up
The wrong becomes undone
Naturally my soul surrenders
The sun and the moonlight
All my dreams are in your eyes
When minutes turn to days and years,
If mountains fall I'll still be here,
Holding you the day I die

I wanna be inside your heaven
Take me to the place you cry from
Where the storm blows you away

Yes I do
When I want to be inside your heaven
Oh yes

Why Is It Not There?

2007-01-29T07:12:00.000+08:00

Here I am again, oh not in the mood for depression if that's what you expect but on the verge of choosing or shall I say deciding.

Because I am not really sure if I am ready to take the chance again, in love I mean. I told you guys that MAYBE I needed someone to love and to hold, MAYBE it's what's missing.

But now the opportunity has come, why do I have the feeling it is not the right time?
I met guys, they were great guys...but why is the feeling not there?

Why can't I feel the excitement? Why can't I feel the enthusiasm?
I am being unfair to these men. I don't mean to lead them on, but the soonest possible moment I would tell them I am not ready.

It will hurt. I will be saying sorry. There's no excuse, just sorry. I am sorry.

If there will be consequences, I am willing to take them.
I am not ready to be with someone now. That is the truth, I am being honest to myself and to all of you. Its just isn't there yet.

Bb. Pilipinas 2007

2007-01-25T16:39:00.000+08:00

Friends...let me introduce you Ms. Erika Pangan, candidate no. 16 in the upcoming Bb. Pilipinas Beauty Pageant. She is the god-daughter of a dear friend of mine and a stunner at that. She is an epitome of beauty, grace and not to mention brains! Smart lass with that captivating smile that will surely catch anyone's attention.
Vote for her and she might bring home a crown.

Winds Are Changing

2007-01-25T15:38:00.000+08:00

I'm beginning to feel better now, not fully, but slowly.
I guess it is better than not at all.
What made me? Well, a lot of things really, I just looked at my nieces and nephews and how their lives is just beginning and I should try to make it as easy for them as I can.
I realized I got friends and acquaintances who are there to lift my spirits up.
I see and watch on TV people who are much, much suffering than I.
It is not that bad afterall.
God is not sleeping. Like what Bette Midler sang a few years back, "God is Watching Us, From a Distance."
Hope everything will be up and running...I wonder what's instore?
I have to pull myself together and just look forward.
Take every opportunity and never to regret.
Pray.
Do good things. Think positive always.
Take one day at a time.
Take things easy.
Smile a lot.
Do something creative (should start with that painting and draf that novel).
Keep fit, live healthy.
Be available and who knows the right guy might come at last.

God Answers Prayers

2007-01-23T15:37:00.000+08:00

God always answers prayer

When the idea is not right God says, “no.”

No, when the idea is not the best.

No, when the idea is absolutely wrong.

No, when though it may help you, it could create problems for someone else.

When the time is not right, God says, “slow.”

What a catastrophe it would be if God answered every prayer at the snap of your fingers.

Do you know what would happen? God would become your servant, not your Master.

Suddenly, God would be working for you instead of you working for God.

Remember: God’s delays are not God’s denials. God’s timing is perfect. Patience is what we need in prayer.

When you are not right, God says, “grow.”

The selfish person has to grow in unselfishness.

The cautious person must grow courage.

The timid person must grow in confidence.

The dominating person must grow in sensitivity.

The critical person must grow in tolerance.

The negative person must grow is positive attitudes.

The pleasure-seeking person must grow in compassion for suffering people.

When everything is alright, God says, “go.”

Then miracles happen:

A hopeless alcoholic is set free!

A drug addict finds release!

A doubter becomes as a child in his belief.

Diseases tissue responds to treatment, and healing begins.

The door to your dream suddenly swings open and there stands God saying “go.”

(A friend emailed to me, just want to share with you guys.)

God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On Me

2007-01-23T12:44:00.000+08:00

Last night I came home from work and I found my sister and her husband sitting on the sofa. Their daughter who was inside the crib greeted me with a smile. My mom was sitting by the dining table and asked me whether she'd prepare a dinner for me or later. I said later for I will work out first. My other niece and nephew ran towards me to greet me.

There was something odd.

I don't know. This is not usual. I just ignored it. It was justa feeling anyway. I went straight to my room, change in my workout clothes (actually, only removed my uniform and strip to my underwear) and gather my dumbells and started stretching.

While I was working out, my sister came up and gave me a cellphone. It was my brother-in-law's and I asked her what's that for. She said I needed the cellphone more than her husband, who just get messages from girls anyway she jokingly said. I refused, she insisted, I gave in and said thanks.

After workout, I went downstairs and met my brother-in-law and asked him if he'd be needing the phone because it is ok and they need not to bother about my predicament. He said it's ok and he can borrow his nephew's phone anyway who is not much into cellphones. I said ok and thanked him.

After a while, I ate dinner and prepare to take a quick shower for I feel sticky all over. My sister came to me again and asked whether I have extra money to cover my expenses until the next payday. (Actually, it is not enough anymore and I already planned to borrow from my mother.) I said yes, then no, then told her I'm ok. She gave me P100.00 and insisted that I take it.

Ok.

This morning, my mom served me breakfast and pack me lunch, which she never does.
And before I leave, she handed me a P500.00 bill and said to pay her back on payday.

It was weird.

I never told them I am short of funds.
I never complained I lost a phone.

But there was something yesterday I could not explain.
Maybe God has felt my need, and heard my prayer.
The other day I keep humming "God Will Make A Way" and I literally claim in myself that He will make a way for me.

Was that it? I don't know really, but I believe He spent a little more time on me yesterday and this morning.
Don't you think?

Songs That Touches Your Heart

2007-01-23T08:02:00.000+08:00

We often associate things, feelings and memories with something to remember them by. Say for example, they say that the sense of smell is the most sensitive means to remember. A scent could bring back even the most hidden memory or feeling inside us. For some, its a memorabilia, a toy from childhood, a once worn shirt, a ticket to a concert, a napkin from a fabulous dinner or a piece of paper.
I do the same thing, but with a song.

I can recall my most early memory because of a song, everytime I hear it, it brings me back to my childhood, when I was 4. The Brahms Lullaby makes me remember a certain memory of me sitting on my mother's lap while she hums the melody as she try to make me fall asleep.

A Whole New World, from the cartoon movie Aladdin, makes me remember my father (as with other songs I associated with him) because this song my youngest sister and I sing in a duet while we were all riding in our car going to our grandmother's place. My father would often sing with us though he doesn't know much of the lyrics.

Another song from the musical The Trump, He's Got To Be Someone, well this one is a tear jerker for me. It reminds me so of my father too, when he passed away in 1999, I was devastated because it was so sudden and everyone was caught unaware. This song made me feel how great a father he is, despite our differences and constant arguements. The song made him immortal in my heart. An excerpt,

You don't know him
Like I know him
He must be allowed to stand proud
If you shamed this man or make him crawl
He'd be no man at all, no man at all

But he's got to be someone
Who wakes every morning
And takes all the world for a whim
Who touches your hand and
Makes you fall for only him...

Well, there's so many songs we often associate with heartbreaks, one particular song that makes me remember is I Love You, Goodbye by Celine Dion.

Wish I could be the one
The one who could give you love
The kind of love you really need
Wish I could say to you
That all I really want was you
But baby that's not me...

And also, Angela Bofil's This Time I'll Be Sweeter,

Darling can't you see
What's loosing you has done to me
I'm not the same (girl) I used to be
Have a change of heart
Don't leave me standing in the dark
Don't let confusion takes us apart...

Or Regine Velasquez's You've Made Me Stronger, that helped me make it through the pain.

You've made me stronger
By breaking my heart
You've ended my life
And made a better one start...

Oh well, some heartbreak, eh? When in love, when I fell in love, I dedicated this song to him, it's by Martin Nievera, You Are My Song...You are my song, playing so softly in my heart...la la la...

And a lot more.

Let me end this with a thought that our feelings, memories and people we love will always be in our hearts, we may forget about them, but they're there, so let music make you remember and savor the memory once again. Like what ABBA sang decades ago...Thank You For The Music

Thank you for the music
The songs I'm singing
Thanks for all the joy they're bringing
Who can live without it
I ask in all honesty
What would life be
Without the song and dance
What I'd be?
So I say thank you the music
For bringing it to me

Search and Know - Gary Valenciano

2007-01-23T07:51:00.000+08:00

I stop and think for just a while
Wondering if He'd see me
Would He think that I'm worthwhile?
Cause now I feel so far away
But I believe, yes I believe

His eyes I know they watch me close
My every move He knows before it's even done
And even though I may be wrong
He changes me and cleanses me

Oh God search and know my heart
Longing to be near You, I've tried but can't get past the start
Oh God won't You show me how?
Lay Your hands upon me and lead me in the Way Everlasting

I know how much I've hurt You so
By doing things I know would go against Your heart
But now I've come to see myself
With You in me so patiently

Oh God search and know my heart
Longing to be near You, I've tried but can't get past the start
Oh God won't You show me how?
Lay Your hands upon me and lead me in the Way Everlasting

I have never left you on your own, My Precious One
Hold on, the time is near I'm coming soon
To take You home with Me

Oh God search and know my heart
Longing to be near You, I've tried but can't get past the start
Oh God won't You show me how?
Lay Your hands upon me and lead me [lead me] oh lead me [lead me] lead me there・

[Oh God search and know]
Search and know

Because Of You - Kelly Clarkson

2007-01-23T07:18:00.000+08:00

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

I Am Afraid

2007-01-22T07:30:00.000+08:00

I really don't know what's happening to me. I've been feeling down and out.
You might notice that lately I've been posting topics that's sad.
Or lonely.

My sister left for Singapore, and I cried after she left. I felt alone.
I lost my cellphone last Thursday and its been five days since and got no budget to replace it.
I cried (not because of the loss itself, but why is it that one sad event to another has been happening lately).
I'm burnt out with work. The energy is slowly draining out of my system.
I cried.
My finances is almost zero. I cried.
The joy I am experiencing around me is superficial, shallow and empty. I cried.
I haven't got a date for so long.
I feel I am just a sex object to guys I meet.
I don't know what I like.
I don't know what to do. I only know that I cried.

I got resolutions but I don't know how to start them.
I've been giving good advices but I don't know how to follow them myself.
I pray, yes I do.
Maybe I'm being impatient.
Maybe I am afraid.

Maybe I need to disappear for a while and get back when everything fall into its proper places.
But still there is a need for me to get involve to make things right again and I'm afraid.

I'm going crazy.
This is depression.
Depression out of what?

Out of numbers adding to my age.
Another year and I assessed that last year has gone not too well for me.
I'm afraid that this year will just be the same.
I don't do anything right it seems.
I don't make the right decisions?
I am being selfish?

I am too lazy?

Or

I'm afraid that no one can love me really as I am.

Do I need someone now?

I am so lonely, deep, deep inside. It eats me up, slowly and progressively.
What if I got no more strength to fight it off?

What if I decided to end it all?
But I am afraid.

Am I just thinking all of this and letting it consume me?
Is this just all in the mind?

Hopefully Not Too Long

2007-01-18T19:26:00.000+08:00

I was told to wait for the right time.
I was told to be a little more patient.
Time will come, the moment will arrive.

Yes, I prayed to God to send my way the right person.
Yes I know He answers a "YES, NO or WAIT."

Its been quite a while. I am being patient.
It's just that I get lonely at times.
I miss a hug, a kiss, someone saying goodnight or take care.
I miss a morning greeting or a sweet smile.
I miss placing my head on shoulder and sighing deep.

I miss a lot really. I miss a guy.
I miss loving someone.

Well, a new year has come, maybe this time it will be the last time.
The next guy will be the last guy.
Right Lord? I prayed this to You.
I even asked for a sign, right? A circumstance that will lead to a meeting?
And the guy at the right moment and time in that circumstance is the guy?
I even told you the color of the shirt he'd be wearing.

And I am willing to wait. Hopefully not too long. God please make it not too long.
I am lonely.

You know that and you know I am ready.

You Are Loved

2007-01-18T13:51:00.000+08:00

You Are Loved (Don't Give Up)
Josh Groban

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I...I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I...I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I...I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved

My Sisters and I

2007-01-17T09:06:00.000+08:00

I arrived home late afternoon yesterday and found my sister Ana (who came home from Singapore for the New Year) rummaging on some photos on the floor. I asked her what she's doing and told me she is compiling loose photos and re-compiling the old ones into some newly bought photo albums.

I said that's nice.

I went up to my room and change into my workout gear started working out near her.
As went through my workout we had a conversation about the photos she is compiling. She showed me some old photos of my parents when they were still in their teens, before and after the wedding, my baby photos, our other siblings' photos too. We had some laugh at how we look back then. We reminisced about the old times that had gone by. The family outings, the family reunions, gatherings and birthday parties.

We reminisced about the times when our father was still alive, how we miss him so much today and if only time can be turned back. We got teary eyed as we remember our father. Especially her because she's the papa's girl. How she wished she was at home that night he died so she could stop him from going out.

I changed the topic by picking up a picture of the three of us, Me, her and my brother, when it was just the three of us then (cause we are five siblings). I explained that one afternoon our mother just dressed us three up and have us posed under the afternoon sun and asked us to smile, if you could imagine that. I told her mom was just trying to use up all the remaining negatives of the camera. We laugh again because we were all chinky-eyed and she was crying.

I finished my workout eventually and she's still not halfway in what she's doing cause I realized there were tons of photos already around her. I never imagine we had that many photos. I kidded that in case the house burn, we only have to save ourselves and those photos because all the rest of the household items can be replaced BUT not those photos.

Then my youngest sibling arrived from work, I fondly call here Sweet, she also found Ana on the floor still compiling some photos and she immediately joined in the conversation. She picked a photo of her when she was just a kid and teased herself that she looked like Ana's eldest daughter Colyne. Like what Ana and I did, she reminisced also of the times gone by.

We shared something last night, a bond between siblings, that nothing can ever replace. The moment though passed us by quickly, will last throughout our lives. The echos of that moment will live on, even when we are all old and grey. How I miss them so.

Before we knew it, it was already time for dinner. Ana still continued.
And before I knew it, it was time for sleep, it was already 11:00 PM. My sister Sweet already settled on the sofa. Ana is still with her photos. I said goodnight.

I woke up at 5:30 AM today and to my surprise Ana is still awake and STILL compiling the photos. She worked throughout the night. I aksed her to stop and have some sleep.

I arrived work at 6:45 AM, I called my mother at about 7:30 and asked if she's already asleep.
She is.

I had fun with my sisters yesterday. It was very nice having to spend some time with them, as Ana will leave for Singapore again on Saturday and will miss her again.

My sisters and I.

Lonely Won't Leave Me Alone

2007-01-16T11:36:00.000+08:00

I am feeling low today.
I don't know why.
Maybe for a lot of reasons.
Maybe its just me.

I promised that this year would be a better year.
I psych myself to be more focus on the things I want to do and happen.
I am trying.
I am doing.

But what is this melancholy?
What is this emptiness?

I am feeling low today.
And I can't seem to know why.

Maybe I need someone to hold.
Maybe I miss someone to love.

Or I am just plain lonely.

I remember the song:

Lonely Won't Leave Me Alone

Why do I seem to be caught up inside a dream
All my life, it's always been my shadow and me
Over my shoulder there's always a voice somewhere
Saying I never should try to set my heart free
I wish that love would come and take me in her arms
Show me what I've never known.
Where I could hold someone words like right and wrong
Just fade away like yesterday
Lonely won't leave me alone
Lonely won't leave me alone
Why, tell me why, won't even let me fall in love
Oooooh everywhere I go always by my side
Won't even let me fall in love
I try and say I love you but the words won't come through
In my eyes, see all the tears and sad memories
Why can't I start out new and leave that old feeling too far behind
I guess that lonely needs company
Around each bend of road
I'm thinking that in time there will be that rainbow's end
But when I follow those self illusions
I find that it's only lonely and me again
Lonely won't leave me alone
Lonely won't leave me alone
Why, tell me why, won't even let me fall in love
Oooooh everywhere I go always by my side
Won't even let me fall in love
Lonely won't leave me alone
I wish that love would come
Lonely won't leave me alone
And take me home
Lonely...

What God Wants

2007-01-15T12:52:00.000+08:00

I know God listens, I know He understands.
I know He knows what's inside our minds
and not to mention our hearts.

I know God is there watching our every move.
Every decision we make, He guides us.
But still we always insist on what WE want.
Whatever makes us feel content.
Satisfied, happy, ecstatic and joyful.

But have we thought about what HE wants for us?

I heard from a lecturer that my bestfriend and I attended last week.
It is about praying to God for guidance and a sign.
Give it time. Give God a timetable on what we want to happen in our lives.
A day, a week, three weeks, a month, two months, six months, a full year.

And He will give you the answer. Not audibly, but through subtle signs.
In dreams, through a friend, through a situation. Or an opportunity, or a choice.
And we should be sensitive enough to see or hear or feel if the prayers we invoke God is
really meant for us. If it doesn't happen, it's not going to happen. It is not for us. He has a better plan for us and we just have to wait.

They say God answers in "Yes, No, and Wait" and we sometimes need to be patient and faithful.

I am sharing this because a friend is in the middle of a lot of decision making, praying and heart matters. It is through prayers that he can only get the peace of mind and heart. But I know him, he will ask for what he wants, and I hope he would pray for what God wants for him and be accepting. If it is meant to be, it is meant to be, if it is not, then there is a better opportunity.

I do hope whatever happens, he would be strong.

Soul Cards

2007-01-15T12:35:00.000+08:00

I am kind of confuse as to what to do with my career. What career path to take, what to plan, what to do first.

I consulted my soul cards but I cannot seem to get what they meant. Anyone can help me?

The first card should reveal what's going on in my Body.
The next what should be going in my Mind.
And the last was about my Soul.

Don't Go

2007-01-12T15:43:00.000+08:00

You said I lied you screamed I cried
You packed your things you wanna leave
You get the car keys and head for the door

Now I'm down on my knees I'm begging you please don't go, don't go
Don't give up on us now we can work it out don't go, don't go

Maybe I'm wrong and you're right I said I'm sorry don't wanna fight
So calm down and hold me close and dry the tears in my eyes

Why can't we kiss and make up I don't want to ever break up
Why can't we forgive and forget and stay together

Hong Kong Dec 06-Jan 07

2007-01-10T12:23:00.000+08:00

Man-whore

2007-01-10T07:42:00.000+08:00

It seemed like rape last night. My body ravaged and violated. It was sudden, I was caught unaware that it seems like a dream.

I was asked to submit to every whim and desire. Of violent passion and verbal torture.
I was not able to resist, so I gave in.

I was lost. In pure bliss and ecstasy of the moment. My body writhed from his kisses. My body gave in to his strong caresses. I let go.

He pushes me down and teased me. He burned me with his embraces and whispered profane words in my ear.

I was his. Lying on my chest he pushed me down and entered me violently. The pain is unbearable, this is violation, this is taboo. I fought, I tried to make him stop but he just laughed.
He cursed and called me names. He called me man-whore.
He thrusts hard, I can feel him so deep inside of me. He thrusts, in and out so many times I almost lost consciousness.

But the anger and the pain disappears. I was beginning to relax. I am slowly liking it.
His sweat was all over me. I was moaning, moaning from sexual desire.

Then he stopped. I looked behind me and he is smiling. He turned me around and just stared at me. I am going out of my wits. He was teasing me. I felt a tension in my groin that I was about to release when he stopped.

I begged him to enter again. He laughed and said no.
I begged him again and pulled him close to me, he resisted.
He wants me to beg him.
And I begged. He said no and instead kneaded my chest and pinched my nipples. I groan.
And I begged again for him to enter me again. He teased me and asked me to say please.

PLEASE.

Then he did it again, with one violent thrust. This time harder than before.
I moan and I groan despite the pain.
But I am liking it.
I am in too deep.

I suddenly heard him groan and he is near. He kept on calling me names. He kept on cursing me.
I cursed him back and this made him angry. He burrowed his manhood so deep I felt pain again. He is near.

With one loud curse he let go. I was filled up at the same time I had my release. Then he fell on me. Our bodies intertwined. Him still in me.

Slowly he raised his head and looked at me. He smiled then he kissed me gently and whispered, man-whore. This time in a different tone. He told me I am his and his alone. His man-whore.

And I do not even know his name.

New Year Resolutions

2007-01-09T07:27:00.000+08:00

Another year has gone by and a new one began. I wonder what's instore for me this year?
I am not really much into new year resolutions for I don't usually follow them anyway. BUT, there is one good thing about it, you have something to look forward to doing, so I'm going to try.

Hmm...here goes some:

1. I will continue to workout until I reached the desired body I like.
2. Do healthy living.
3. Care about the world more.
4. Make most of the time creatively.
5. Paint that first painting.
6. Compile a book of poems and write more.
7. Create that long time planned novel or story.
8. Make an active social life.
9. Make a good career move.
10. Manage my finances.

Queer As Folk

2007-01-06T07:45:00.000+08:00

Never have I seen a television show that had me affected as much since I saw Queer As Folk.
I first knew about the series on the internet while I was just surfing around. I said to myself that this is a bold move to produce such show on TV with much graphic sex scenes and human drama.
It was a full year since before I get hold of a copy of the first season and watched I did. Everything I knew about being gay I saw on TV and with a plus. I was to become a part of it just like a million gay men and women who saw themselves in the characters that were portrayed. One can relate with each character and the things they do. The mistakes they made, their outlook in life, their relationships, their family and friendship.
But the full impact of the show made me realized that being queer is not much different at all with the rest of humanity. On a personal level I am each and every character there.
I have learned some things. I have seen myself in a lot of the characters at different times, and have been able to see what's good and bad about myself. For example, I share Ted's unwarranted low self-esteem. I share a bit of Justin's naivete and immaturity, thinking I can shape the world to fit my desires rather than having to compromise. I share Michael's reticence to just put myself out there and see what happens, instead choosing to hang back with the Teds of the world and not even try. I can see myself going down the road of idolizing money in the same way Brian does, thinking that $1200 jackets and furniture from Milan will make me more attractive or more happy. I fear I could end up stratifying the world into "A-list" and "B-list" gays like Dr. David, and be embarrassed to mix my highly educated friends with those who work in retail etc. All of them seem to be primarily concerned with a potential partner's looks, and I definitely see that in myself. The episode where Ted and Emmit try a dating service based on personality was meant to make us laugh at it. I share Michael's fear of just being honest about his sexuality for fear it'll hold him back somehow. I also find it helpful to see the different story lines play out. They serve as a bunch of "DON'T DO THAT" lessons for me. For example, Ted trying drugs to impress a cute boy and ending up in a coma. Justin being insensitive in the way he tells people he's gay. Michael stringing a girl along because it's easier to pretend he's straight than to just be honest. Melanie and Lindsay failing to get the legal protections in place so that they're both guardians of their child. Michael refusing to admit to himself or his boyfriend that he's not over Brian, and thereby screwing up the relationship. Anyway, I could go on and on. And there are a number of good things I've found to emulate in the show too, like Deb's unconditional love, or Dr. David being willing to fight for the guy he loves, or Melanie and Lindsay's attempts to work out the kinks of being gay parents, or Daphne's willingness to try new things.
The last season, the 5th, everybody goes their own separate ways, leaving only memories of happy and sad experiences each one went through leaving me wonder what will happen next.
But I just wanted to share what I learned, and see whether any of you have found the media helpful in "growing up" as a gay man. I feel like, as long as I'm aware that the shows aren't real and that it's over-dramatized, I can let these people serve as proxies. They can make my mistakes for me, and I can learn from them. I can identify what I don't like about them and what they do, and try to fix those things in myself. It seems like that'd be much less painful than learning the lessons when some boyfriend dumps me because I didn't know them.

An Adventure in Hong Kong

2007-01-05T07:17:00.000+08:00

It was my first time to spend Christmas and New Year without my family. It was lonely at first but then again, it was not. I went to Hong Kong the day before Christmas and thought that it would be sad. But my friend Filmer and his workmates had this small party at another workmate's place and we had a great dinner and a lot of wine. It was fun.

The rest of my 10-day trip were spent going around Hong Kong. I went to places I was not able to visit the last time I was there. (Besides Hong Kong Disneyland, of course, I'd be coming back to Disney over and over again, lol.)

With only a map to guide me, I went each leg of the Hong Kong Walks brochure/map. Each stop is a tourist spot where one can discover, appreciate and take pictures of. I had an adventure. It felt like I am in a quest to find a lost treasure. I visited a lot of museums (well, they say if you want to know about a certain place or country go to its museums), old temples, parks and flea markets. I went up and down the steep streets of Central and Western District where one can see a lot of Old European Style buildings and the famous Man Mo Temple where I prayed and shook a wooden glass filled with bamboo sticks, each time a stick would come out and fell on the ground, I took note of a number and this has a corresponding character in a book on the reception where your fortune will be read. ( I will be having a favourable 2007!)

I also went to suburban Hong Kong, this time another I used another map to take me across Sha Tin, a place outside the hustle and bustle of the city. The place was a bit laid back, not too many cars, and not too many buildings. There is a feeling of freedom and ease in the place. I visited a park, another musuem, another temple, this time a large one built a centuries ago, a library and a Snoopy theme park!

I often miss eating, cause I didn't feel any hunger, not until I came home to the place where I stayed. I gorged on dinner every night. Maybe just to fill up the lost energy during the day...or am dying of hunger, ha, ha, ha!

I also visited Yau Ma Tei and Mong Kok, a pleasure and leisure district in Hong Kong, one can find a variety of shops and stores there. There is a long street of petshops selling almost all species of goldfishes. My eyes were rolling around as I watched those colorful animals in their tanks. (Wished I bought some, but I don't think thier custom would allow me to take it back in Manila though.) Some more stores that sell electronics, toiletries and clothes.

All in all, it was the best trip ever. I really enjoyed the trip, not to mention the freezing weather. It was cold yet nice. I can really dress up.

The New Year was a blast. I spent it in a disco/bar in Lan Kwai Fong, a famous bar and disco district in Hong Kong, where I danced the night away. Had a few drinks with new friends, chat and danced again. I even went up the caged ledge and felt like a go go boy! The music is great until the count down and everyone wished each other a happy new year. Friends and stranger alike hugged and kissed and greeted one another.

I prayed in the temples that I had visited that I would like to live and work in Hong Kong. I love the place. I love the lifestyle. I really feel I will be better in Hong Kong. Maybe because of that sense of independence, or the weather, or the people, or the opportunities. Maybe because it is in my blood, for a long line of Chinese ancestry is running through my veins and calling me home.

Minsan Ang Minahal Ay Ako (Loved Me For A While)

2006-12-25T23:55:00.000+08:00

Ano na lang 'yung 'sang sandali na makatikim ng pagmamahal (What of a few moments to taste some loving)
Matapos ang luhang ipinagpalit? (After the tears have been replaced?)
Ang sandali, 'di naman magtagal, ang yakap mo'y hahanap-hanapin (The moment still didn't last, and longing for your embrace)
Akala ko ang mundo na ay akin, ngunit hindi pala ganyan (I thought the world was already mine, but it was not to be)
Kay bilis makalimutan na minsan ang minahal ay ako (Too soon to forget that you loved me for a while)

Ano na lang 'yung kaunting pasakit kung katumbas ay pagmamahal? (What of a few pains if it meant love)
Pag-ibig mo ay aking langit, kahit buhay ko ay handang isugal (Your love is my heaven, I am even ready to give up my life)
Ang himig mo'y aking aawitin habang ako'y kakailanganin (I will sing your song while you still need me)
At kung ako'y iyong saktan, ito ma'y gagawing dahilan (And if you hurt me, if this will be your reason)
'Pagkat minsan ang minahal ay ako (Because you loved me for a while)

Ang lingap mo ay hahanap-hanapin sa puso mong minsan ay sa akin (I will miss you caring for me in your heart that was once mine)
At kung ako ay malimutan, kahit sa awit ko man lamang (And if you forget me, even through this song of mine)
Iyo sanang matandaan bago tuluyang lumisan na minsan ang minahal ay ako (You remember, before you go, that you loved me even for just a while)

A Photo Session 6

2006-12-25T22:43:00.000+08:00

photography by Highmercury

I'll Let You Be

2006-12-22T11:05:00.000+08:00

I'll let you be,
I'll let you find the happiness you long for.
I'll let you be with the one you are praying for.

I'll let you go my friend.
I'll let you .
Go.

Of Love and Blindness

2006-12-21T11:41:00.000+08:00

What do you feel when you are in love? Deeply in love?
What can you do?
Up to what extent of your human capacity will you go through just to run after the one you love?
What sacrifices will you do? What risks will you take?
Is this noble? Or is it stupidity?

I fell in love, it was the greatest thing I ever felt. I am happy. I felt safe. Loneliness was never a friend of mine. I did some sacrifices, I took some risks. I am head over heels. But up to a certain point.
When the relationship was over. I was devastated, I was alone.
But up to a certain point. I move on.
What if you fell in love deeply with another person, but with a twist, the other person does not love you back? You just assume you are loved back.

And.

You are the only one who is willing to take all the risks and all the sacrifices.
You are the only one who seemed to be head over heels.
You are the only one who believed you are both in love.
And the object of your affection is just playing along.

Have you ever thought of what he is thinking of?
What does he see when he looks at you?
Does he feel privileged? Does he feel special? Or is he irritated? Or you are just feeding his ego?

And you are willing to go through it all knowing it is a one way street?

Is this noble? Is it blindness?
It hurts to know that there are people who are like this.
It doesn't matter whether their pride is under six feet of heavy soil of blindness.
Or they threw away all their principles, beliefs, ego and love of self in the wind, never to look for it again, just to be loved, or even catch a glimpse of pity.

Pitiful love. Being loved because of pity.

It doesn't matter whether their sense of being is overshadowed by that illusion that the love they are experiencing was real.
It doesn't matter that you accept and undergo all the disappointments, hurts, being used, abused, thrown like a rag, disregarded and ignored.
You cry. Then what? You go through it all again. For what? For love?

Is this real love? Is this blindness? Is this stupidity?
I want to know, because I want to understand.

Because I don't understand. I do not understand.

A Photo Session 5

2006-12-21T09:41:00.000+08:00

photography by Highmercury