Your Beloved - My Brief Journey of Self Acceptance
Some people like me find it hard to reconcile their spirituality and their orientation. Especially those whose orientation tends to lean on the same sex. I have had my own personal struggle, search and victory over such reconciliation and I personally believe that whoever I am or what I become, my God will never, ever abandon me.
They say that having such an orientaton (same sex) is an abomination. Says who? You? Your clergy? Your next door neighbor? Don't tell me your Mom and Dad?
I believe, I am born this way. I am a creation of God. If God do condemn people like me, then why am I here? I remember what my Pastor said to me a long, long time ago. He told me, when my mother and my father were sharing their undying love and devotion to each other, from my dad I am released into my mother's womb together with a thousand more. Of all those thousands of male cell, I AM THE ONE PARTICULAR cell that developed into a beautiful child of God.
Just for that, I am special. I am unique and God has a purpose, God has a plan and I am where I am where God wants me to be.
I remember when I was lost, I became a rebel, always my father's headache. I am searching for who I am. Where to be identified with and to belong. (Good thing, I did not resort to drugs. I am fully aware still of its desctructive effects!) But I got tangled in the web of sexual exploits, joining groups of street hustlers, young men of the night, bumming, running away, living with my friends.
I was a total stranger to myself. I cannot handle the truth. I searched for answers to everyone I met. I asked them what do they feel? Do they know who they are? Why are we this way?
Sometimes they laugh, sometimes they get irritated, most of the time they just ignore the question and used me.
I always felt empty. There is this big hole in my heart and my soul that cannot be filled up. I just go to one person to another until I am so exhausted I just sleep wherever sleep caught up with me. For years I become a nobody. The secret is well kept. Even my closest friends did not know.
Until I met a guy, his orientation is exactly like mine. But he seemed to be at ease. Confident. Proud. He knows exactly what he is and what he likes. I am in awe. Here is a person who is exactly like me, yet you can see in him peace and confidence.
So, naturally I am envious and I asked asked him why and how? He told me he had make his peace with God, with himself, with his family and friends. Meaning?
He believed. He believed that God is good. God is love. There is no room for discrimination nor condemnation in God's heart. He even quoted the bible's John 3:16..."whomsoever believed in Him, shall not perish but have eternal life."
Whomsoever, not excluding anyone. Meaning everyone, regardless. It struck me. My heart leaped. There's a ray of light that shone in my soul. Suddenly it was clear. I found the answer.
I had a conversation with God the following day. I went to my favorite place.A long strip of walkway along Roxas Boulevard, Manila. By the bay, one afternoon as the sun sets on the horizon, creating a dazzling array of colors above me. I talked with God and I said, I believe. I believe You made me who I am and I am special. I am Your child and You love me. If no one can love me for who I am, and how You made me, You will. I am who I am. This is me. I have to make the most of it. I have to love myself. This is not a preference. This is not a choice. I am me. I cried, from joy. At last a sudden peace enveloped my restless heart.
I slept soundly that night for the first time.
I came out to my family. I gathered my siblings around me and told them who I am. All of them were accepting and understanding. One brother was not. He became angry, dissapointed and humiliated. He did not spoke to me for almost a year. I left home. I lived on my own. I found work and supported myself.
Until one Christmas day, he just approached me and gave me a gift. No words were spoken, no drama. Just one act. One moment. I am home at last. I was so happy. I am free.
I came out with my friends with a bang!
I joined my first Gay Pride, 1999. (By the way the guy who led me to God become a friend and introduced me to his church, catering to the GLTB group of men and women where I become active and a leader of the Education Ministry and the Music Ministry. But that's another story.)
Where was I? Oh, I joined my first Pride. Of course it was shown on National TV because the Media was all around to cover the momentous event. I was interviewed on TV which was shown that evening. I was asked by the lady reporter why am I in the Parade from which I answered, it was my way of telling the world who I am and how proud I was.
One of my closest friend from highschool watched the late night news and was in shock. The next day I am the talk of my whole highschool batchmates and my gang. They were surprised but was not indifferent about it. In fact they find it brave and they are also proud of me.
So I made peace with God, with my family and my friends. I guess that's all that matters. I try to share my belief with other men and women who has the same orientation as me. I tell them that all is well. There is nothing to be ashamed of. We are special. We are loved. We belong in this world. Let's discover what it has instore for us. Let's discover what talent God gave us and prove to the world, we belong.
Thus this song:
Your Beloved
They say that having such an orientaton (same sex) is an abomination. Says who? You? Your clergy? Your next door neighbor? Don't tell me your Mom and Dad?
I believe, I am born this way. I am a creation of God. If God do condemn people like me, then why am I here? I remember what my Pastor said to me a long, long time ago. He told me, when my mother and my father were sharing their undying love and devotion to each other, from my dad I am released into my mother's womb together with a thousand more. Of all those thousands of male cell, I AM THE ONE PARTICULAR cell that developed into a beautiful child of God.
Just for that, I am special. I am unique and God has a purpose, God has a plan and I am where I am where God wants me to be.
I remember when I was lost, I became a rebel, always my father's headache. I am searching for who I am. Where to be identified with and to belong. (Good thing, I did not resort to drugs. I am fully aware still of its desctructive effects!) But I got tangled in the web of sexual exploits, joining groups of street hustlers, young men of the night, bumming, running away, living with my friends.
I was a total stranger to myself. I cannot handle the truth. I searched for answers to everyone I met. I asked them what do they feel? Do they know who they are? Why are we this way?
Sometimes they laugh, sometimes they get irritated, most of the time they just ignore the question and used me.
I always felt empty. There is this big hole in my heart and my soul that cannot be filled up. I just go to one person to another until I am so exhausted I just sleep wherever sleep caught up with me. For years I become a nobody. The secret is well kept. Even my closest friends did not know.
Until I met a guy, his orientation is exactly like mine. But he seemed to be at ease. Confident. Proud. He knows exactly what he is and what he likes. I am in awe. Here is a person who is exactly like me, yet you can see in him peace and confidence.
So, naturally I am envious and I asked asked him why and how? He told me he had make his peace with God, with himself, with his family and friends. Meaning?
He believed. He believed that God is good. God is love. There is no room for discrimination nor condemnation in God's heart. He even quoted the bible's John 3:16..."whomsoever believed in Him, shall not perish but have eternal life."
Whomsoever, not excluding anyone. Meaning everyone, regardless. It struck me. My heart leaped. There's a ray of light that shone in my soul. Suddenly it was clear. I found the answer.
I had a conversation with God the following day. I went to my favorite place.A long strip of walkway along Roxas Boulevard, Manila. By the bay, one afternoon as the sun sets on the horizon, creating a dazzling array of colors above me. I talked with God and I said, I believe. I believe You made me who I am and I am special. I am Your child and You love me. If no one can love me for who I am, and how You made me, You will. I am who I am. This is me. I have to make the most of it. I have to love myself. This is not a preference. This is not a choice. I am me. I cried, from joy. At last a sudden peace enveloped my restless heart.
I slept soundly that night for the first time.
I came out to my family. I gathered my siblings around me and told them who I am. All of them were accepting and understanding. One brother was not. He became angry, dissapointed and humiliated. He did not spoke to me for almost a year. I left home. I lived on my own. I found work and supported myself.
Until one Christmas day, he just approached me and gave me a gift. No words were spoken, no drama. Just one act. One moment. I am home at last. I was so happy. I am free.
I came out with my friends with a bang!
I joined my first Gay Pride, 1999. (By the way the guy who led me to God become a friend and introduced me to his church, catering to the GLTB group of men and women where I become active and a leader of the Education Ministry and the Music Ministry. But that's another story.)
Where was I? Oh, I joined my first Pride. Of course it was shown on National TV because the Media was all around to cover the momentous event. I was interviewed on TV which was shown that evening. I was asked by the lady reporter why am I in the Parade from which I answered, it was my way of telling the world who I am and how proud I was.
One of my closest friend from highschool watched the late night news and was in shock. The next day I am the talk of my whole highschool batchmates and my gang. They were surprised but was not indifferent about it. In fact they find it brave and they are also proud of me.
So I made peace with God, with my family and my friends. I guess that's all that matters. I try to share my belief with other men and women who has the same orientation as me. I tell them that all is well. There is nothing to be ashamed of. We are special. We are loved. We belong in this world. Let's discover what it has instore for us. Let's discover what talent God gave us and prove to the world, we belong.
Thus this song:
Your Beloved
Lord it was You who |
posted by Carlo Magno at
11:28 AM
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