I Am Afraid

I really don't know what's happening to me. I've been feeling down and out.
You might notice that lately I've been posting topics that's sad.
Or lonely.

My sister left for Singapore, and I cried after she left. I felt alone.
I lost my cellphone last Thursday and its been five days since and got no budget to replace it.
I cried (not because of the loss itself, but why is it that one sad event to another has been happening lately).
I'm burnt out with work. The energy is slowly draining out of my system.
I cried.
My finances is almost zero. I cried.
The joy I am experiencing around me is superficial, shallow and empty. I cried.
I haven't got a date for so long.
I feel I am just a sex object to guys I meet.
I don't know what I like.
I don't know what to do. I only know that I cried.

I got resolutions but I don't know how to start them.
I've been giving good advices but I don't know how to follow them myself.
I pray, yes I do.
Maybe I'm being impatient.
Maybe I am afraid.

Maybe I need to disappear for a while and get back when everything fall into its proper places.
But still there is a need for me to get involve to make things right again and I'm afraid.

I'm going crazy.
This is depression.
Depression out of what?

Out of numbers adding to my age.
Another year and I assessed that last year has gone not too well for me.
I'm afraid that this year will just be the same.
I don't do anything right it seems.
I don't make the right decisions?
I am being selfish?

I am too lazy?

Or

I'm afraid that no one can love me really as I am.

Do I need someone now?

I am so lonely, deep, deep inside. It eats me up, slowly and progressively.
What if I got no more strength to fight it off?

What if I decided to end it all?
But I am afraid.

Am I just thinking all of this and letting it consume me?
Is this just all in the mind?