Mood Swings and Feelings

You may notice that like a roller coaster that goes up and down, my moods had been exactly like that and feelings for that matter.

Please bear with me. I write whatever I feel at a certain moment. If I am feeling a little high then you'll read something uplifting, but when I am feeling a little low, well, you guess it right, something sad or melancholic.

Well, one of the best things on being human I guess, our feelings. We express it anyway we want it.
I guess it keeps us in touch with our inner selves for these feelings came from within.

Sometimes outside factors tend to affect it.

But the heart always knows.

And I am just sharing my joys and my pains. Just promise you'll always be there.

Don't You Think?

A dear friend sent these lines to me, and it struck me. Here I am impatiently waiting for things to happen in my life. Here I am waiting impatiently for someone to come into my life and yet, I still have a lot of questions. I still have a lot of things in my mind.

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not seek the answeres, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answers."
(Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet)

I should prioritize, I need to think things over and take it one at a time.
I should get back to my New Year's List and start to do them one by one.

Or plan, or just let things be.

Life has its way of solving things and all I have to do is be patient and throw the questions into the air and let God catch it one by one. In due time, I will just be surprised that all of my queries will be answered when I least expect it.

Don't you think?

Inside Your Heaven - Bo Bice

I've been down, but now I'm blessed
I felt a revelation comin' around
I guess it's right, it's so amazing,
Everytime I see you, I'm alive,
You're all I got, you lift me up.
The sun andthe moonlight,
All my dreams are in your eyes. I

wanna be inside your heaven
Take me to the place you cry from
Where the storm blows your way,
I wanna be the Earth that holds you
Every bit of air you breath in, of soothin' wind
I wanna be inside you heaven.

When we touch, when we love
The stars line up
The wrong becomes undone
Naturally my soul surrenders
The sun and the moonlight
All my dreams are in your eyes
When minutes turn to days and years,
If mountains fall I'll still be here,
Holding you the day I die

I wanna be inside your heaven
Take me to the place you cry from
Where the storm blows you away

Yes I do
When I want to be inside your heaven
Oh yes

Why Is It Not There?

Here I am again, oh not in the mood for depression if that's what you expect but on the verge of choosing or shall I say deciding.

Because I am not really sure if I am ready to take the chance again, in love I mean. I told you guys that MAYBE I needed someone to love and to hold, MAYBE it's what's missing.

But now the opportunity has come, why do I have the feeling it is not the right time?
I met guys, they were great guys...but why is the feeling not there?

Why can't I feel the excitement? Why can't I feel the enthusiasm?
I am being unfair to these men. I don't mean to lead them on, but the soonest possible moment I would tell them I am not ready.

It will hurt. I will be saying sorry. There's no excuse, just sorry. I am sorry.

If there will be consequences, I am willing to take them.
I am not ready to be with someone now. That is the truth, I am being honest to myself and to all of you. Its just isn't there yet.

Bb. Pilipinas 2007

Friends...let me introduce you Ms. Erika Pangan, candidate no. 16 in the upcoming Bb. Pilipinas Beauty Pageant. She is the god-daughter of a dear friend of mine and a stunner at that. She is an epitome of beauty, grace and not to mention brains! Smart lass with that captivating smile that will surely catch anyone's attention.
Vote for her and she might bring home a crown.

Winds Are Changing

I'm beginning to feel better now, not fully, but slowly.
I guess it is better than not at all.
What made me? Well, a lot of things really, I just looked at my nieces and nephews and how their lives is just beginning and I should try to make it as easy for them as I can.
I realized I got friends and acquaintances who are there to lift my spirits up.
I see and watch on TV people who are much, much suffering than I.
It is not that bad afterall.
God is not sleeping. Like what Bette Midler sang a few years back, "God is Watching Us, From a Distance."
Hope everything will be up and running...I wonder what's instore?
I have to pull myself together and just look forward.
Take every opportunity and never to regret.
Pray.
Do good things. Think positive always.
Take one day at a time.
Take things easy.
Smile a lot.
Do something creative (should start with that painting and draf that novel).
Keep fit, live healthy.
Be available and who knows the right guy might come at last.

God Answers Prayers

God always answers prayer

When the idea is not right God says, “no.”

No, when the idea is not the best.

No, when the idea is absolutely wrong.

No, when though it may help you, it could create problems for someone else.

When the time is not right, God says, “slow.”

What a catastrophe it would be if God answered every prayer at the snap of your fingers.

Do you know what would happen? God would become your servant, not your Master.

Suddenly, God would be working for you instead of you working for God.

Remember: God’s delays are not God’s denials. God’s timing is perfect. Patience is what we need in prayer.

When you are not right, God says, “grow.”

The selfish person has to grow in unselfishness.

The cautious person must grow courage.

The timid person must grow in confidence.

The dominating person must grow in sensitivity.

The critical person must grow in tolerance.

The negative person must grow is positive attitudes.

The pleasure-seeking person must grow in compassion for suffering people.

When everything is alright, God says, “go.”

Then miracles happen:

A hopeless alcoholic is set free!

A drug addict finds release!

A doubter becomes as a child in his belief.

Diseases tissue responds to treatment, and healing begins.

The door to your dream suddenly swings open and there stands God saying “go.”

(A friend emailed to me, just want to share with you guys.)

God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On Me

Last night I came home from work and I found my sister and her husband sitting on the sofa. Their daughter who was inside the crib greeted me with a smile. My mom was sitting by the dining table and asked me whether she'd prepare a dinner for me or later. I said later for I will work out first. My other niece and nephew ran towards me to greet me.

There was something odd.

I don't know. This is not usual. I just ignored it. It was justa feeling anyway. I went straight to my room, change in my workout clothes (actually, only removed my uniform and strip to my underwear) and gather my dumbells and started stretching.

While I was working out, my sister came up and gave me a cellphone. It was my brother-in-law's and I asked her what's that for. She said I needed the cellphone more than her husband, who just get messages from girls anyway she jokingly said. I refused, she insisted, I gave in and said thanks.

After workout, I went downstairs and met my brother-in-law and asked him if he'd be needing the phone because it is ok and they need not to bother about my predicament. He said it's ok and he can borrow his nephew's phone anyway who is not much into cellphones. I said ok and thanked him.

After a while, I ate dinner and prepare to take a quick shower for I feel sticky all over. My sister came to me again and asked whether I have extra money to cover my expenses until the next payday. (Actually, it is not enough anymore and I already planned to borrow from my mother.) I said yes, then no, then told her I'm ok. She gave me P100.00 and insisted that I take it.

Ok.

This morning, my mom served me breakfast and pack me lunch, which she never does.
And before I leave, she handed me a P500.00 bill and said to pay her back on payday.

It was weird.

I never told them I am short of funds.
I never complained I lost a phone.

But there was something yesterday I could not explain.
Maybe God has felt my need, and heard my prayer.
The other day I keep humming "God Will Make A Way" and I literally claim in myself that He will make a way for me.

Was that it? I don't know really, but I believe He spent a little more time on me yesterday and this morning.
Don't you think?

Songs That Touches Your Heart

We often associate things, feelings and memories with something to remember them by. Say for example, they say that the sense of smell is the most sensitive means to remember. A scent could bring back even the most hidden memory or feeling inside us. For some, its a memorabilia, a toy from childhood, a once worn shirt, a ticket to a concert, a napkin from a fabulous dinner or a piece of paper.
I do the same thing, but with a song.

I can recall my most early memory because of a song, everytime I hear it, it brings me back to my childhood, when I was 4. The Brahms Lullaby makes me remember a certain memory of me sitting on my mother's lap while she hums the melody as she try to make me fall asleep.

A Whole New World, from the cartoon movie Aladdin, makes me remember my father (as with other songs I associated with him) because this song my youngest sister and I sing in a duet while we were all riding in our car going to our grandmother's place. My father would often sing with us though he doesn't know much of the lyrics.

Another song from the musical The Trump, He's Got To Be Someone, well this one is a tear jerker for me. It reminds me so of my father too, when he passed away in 1999, I was devastated because it was so sudden and everyone was caught unaware. This song made me feel how great a father he is, despite our differences and constant arguements. The song made him immortal in my heart. An excerpt,

You don't know him
Like I know him
He must be allowed to stand proud
If you shamed this man or make him crawl
He'd be no man at all, no man at all

But he's got to be someone
Who wakes every morning
And takes all the world for a whim
Who touches your hand and
Makes you fall for only him...

Well, there's so many songs we often associate with heartbreaks, one particular song that makes me remember is I Love You, Goodbye by Celine Dion.

Wish I could be the one
The one who could give you love
The kind of love you really need
Wish I could say to you
That all I really want was you
But baby that's not me...

And also, Angela Bofil's This Time I'll Be Sweeter,

Darling can't you see
What's loosing you has done to me
I'm not the same (girl) I used to be
Have a change of heart
Don't leave me standing in the dark
Don't let confusion takes us apart...

Or Regine Velasquez's You've Made Me Stronger, that helped me make it through the pain.

You've made me stronger
By breaking my heart
You've ended my life
And made a better one start...

Oh well, some heartbreak, eh? When in love, when I fell in love, I dedicated this song to him, it's by Martin Nievera, You Are My Song...You are my song, playing so softly in my heart...la la la...

And a lot more.

Let me end this with a thought that our feelings, memories and people we love will always be in our hearts, we may forget about them, but they're there, so let music make you remember and savor the memory once again. Like what ABBA sang decades ago...Thank You For The Music

Thank you for the music
The songs I'm singing
Thanks for all the joy they're bringing
Who can live without it
I ask in all honesty
What would life be
Without the song and dance
What I'd be?
So I say thank you the music
For bringing it to me

Search and Know - Gary Valenciano

I stop and think for just a while
Wondering if He'd see me
Would He think that I'm worthwhile?
Cause now I feel so far away
But I believe, yes I believe

His eyes I know they watch me close
My every move He knows before it's even done
And even though I may be wrong
He changes me and cleanses me

Oh God search and know my heart
Longing to be near You, I've tried but can't get past the start
Oh God won't You show me how?
Lay Your hands upon me and lead me in the Way Everlasting

I know how much I've hurt You so
By doing things I know would go against Your heart
But now I've come to see myself
With You in me so patiently

Oh God search and know my heart
Longing to be near You, I've tried but can't get past the start
Oh God won't You show me how?
Lay Your hands upon me and lead me in the Way Everlasting

I have never left you on your own, My Precious One
Hold on, the time is near I'm coming soon
To take You home with Me

Oh God search and know my heart
Longing to be near You, I've tried but can't get past the start
Oh God won't You show me how?
Lay Your hands upon me and lead me [lead me] oh lead me [lead me] lead me there・

[Oh God search and know]
Search and know

Because Of You - Kelly Clarkson

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

I Am Afraid

I really don't know what's happening to me. I've been feeling down and out.
You might notice that lately I've been posting topics that's sad.
Or lonely.

My sister left for Singapore, and I cried after she left. I felt alone.
I lost my cellphone last Thursday and its been five days since and got no budget to replace it.
I cried (not because of the loss itself, but why is it that one sad event to another has been happening lately).
I'm burnt out with work. The energy is slowly draining out of my system.
I cried.
My finances is almost zero. I cried.
The joy I am experiencing around me is superficial, shallow and empty. I cried.
I haven't got a date for so long.
I feel I am just a sex object to guys I meet.
I don't know what I like.
I don't know what to do. I only know that I cried.

I got resolutions but I don't know how to start them.
I've been giving good advices but I don't know how to follow them myself.
I pray, yes I do.
Maybe I'm being impatient.
Maybe I am afraid.

Maybe I need to disappear for a while and get back when everything fall into its proper places.
But still there is a need for me to get involve to make things right again and I'm afraid.

I'm going crazy.
This is depression.
Depression out of what?

Out of numbers adding to my age.
Another year and I assessed that last year has gone not too well for me.
I'm afraid that this year will just be the same.
I don't do anything right it seems.
I don't make the right decisions?
I am being selfish?

I am too lazy?

Or

I'm afraid that no one can love me really as I am.

Do I need someone now?

I am so lonely, deep, deep inside. It eats me up, slowly and progressively.
What if I got no more strength to fight it off?

What if I decided to end it all?
But I am afraid.

Am I just thinking all of this and letting it consume me?
Is this just all in the mind?

Hopefully Not Too Long

I was told to wait for the right time.
I was told to be a little more patient.
Time will come, the moment will arrive.

Yes, I prayed to God to send my way the right person.
Yes I know He answers a "YES, NO or WAIT."

Its been quite a while. I am being patient.
It's just that I get lonely at times.
I miss a hug, a kiss, someone saying goodnight or take care.
I miss a morning greeting or a sweet smile.
I miss placing my head on shoulder and sighing deep.

I miss a lot really. I miss a guy.
I miss loving someone.

Well, a new year has come, maybe this time it will be the last time.
The next guy will be the last guy.
Right Lord? I prayed this to You.
I even asked for a sign, right? A circumstance that will lead to a meeting?
And the guy at the right moment and time in that circumstance is the guy?
I even told you the color of the shirt he'd be wearing.

And I am willing to wait. Hopefully not too long. God please make it not too long.
I am lonely.

You know that and you know I am ready.

You Are Loved

You Are Loved (Don't Give Up)
Josh Groban

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I...I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I...I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I...I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved

My Sisters and I

I arrived home late afternoon yesterday and found my sister Ana (who came home from Singapore for the New Year) rummaging on some photos on the floor. I asked her what she's doing and told me she is compiling loose photos and re-compiling the old ones into some newly bought photo albums.

I said that's nice.

I went up to my room and change into my workout gear started working out near her.
As went through my workout we had a conversation about the photos she is compiling. She showed me some old photos of my parents when they were still in their teens, before and after the wedding, my baby photos, our other siblings' photos too. We had some laugh at how we look back then. We reminisced about the old times that had gone by. The family outings, the family reunions, gatherings and birthday parties.

We reminisced about the times when our father was still alive, how we miss him so much today and if only time can be turned back. We got teary eyed as we remember our father. Especially her because she's the papa's girl. How she wished she was at home that night he died so she could stop him from going out.

I changed the topic by picking up a picture of the three of us, Me, her and my brother, when it was just the three of us then (cause we are five siblings). I explained that one afternoon our mother just dressed us three up and have us posed under the afternoon sun and asked us to smile, if you could imagine that. I told her mom was just trying to use up all the remaining negatives of the camera. We laugh again because we were all chinky-eyed and she was crying.

I finished my workout eventually and she's still not halfway in what she's doing cause I realized there were tons of photos already around her. I never imagine we had that many photos. I kidded that in case the house burn, we only have to save ourselves and those photos because all the rest of the household items can be replaced BUT not those photos.

Then my youngest sibling arrived from work, I fondly call here Sweet, she also found Ana on the floor still compiling some photos and she immediately joined in the conversation. She picked a photo of her when she was just a kid and teased herself that she looked like Ana's eldest daughter Colyne. Like what Ana and I did, she reminisced also of the times gone by.

We shared something last night, a bond between siblings, that nothing can ever replace. The moment though passed us by quickly, will last throughout our lives. The echos of that moment will live on, even when we are all old and grey. How I miss them so.

Before we knew it, it was already time for dinner. Ana still continued.
And before I knew it, it was time for sleep, it was already 11:00 PM. My sister Sweet already settled on the sofa. Ana is still with her photos. I said goodnight.

I woke up at 5:30 AM today and to my surprise Ana is still awake and STILL compiling the photos. She worked throughout the night. I aksed her to stop and have some sleep.

I arrived work at 6:45 AM, I called my mother at about 7:30 and asked if she's already asleep.
She is.

I had fun with my sisters yesterday. It was very nice having to spend some time with them, as Ana will leave for Singapore again on Saturday and will miss her again.

My sisters and I.

Lonely Won't Leave Me Alone

I am feeling low today.
I don't know why.
Maybe for a lot of reasons.
Maybe its just me.

I promised that this year would be a better year.
I psych myself to be more focus on the things I want to do and happen.
I am trying.
I am doing.

But what is this melancholy?
What is this emptiness?

I am feeling low today.
And I can't seem to know why.

Maybe I need someone to hold.
Maybe I miss someone to love.

Or I am just plain lonely.

I remember the song:

Lonely Won't Leave Me Alone

Why do I seem to be caught up inside a dream
All my life, it's always been my shadow and me
Over my shoulder there's always a voice somewhere
Saying I never should try to set my heart free
I wish that love would come and take me in her arms
Show me what I've never known.
Where I could hold someone words like right and wrong
Just fade away like yesterday
Lonely won't leave me alone
Lonely won't leave me alone
Why, tell me why, won't even let me fall in love
Oooooh everywhere I go always by my side
Won't even let me fall in love
I try and say I love you but the words won't come through
In my eyes, see all the tears and sad memories
Why can't I start out new and leave that old feeling too far behind
I guess that lonely needs company
Around each bend of road
I'm thinking that in time there will be that rainbow's end
But when I follow those self illusions
I find that it's only lonely and me again
Lonely won't leave me alone
Lonely won't leave me alone
Why, tell me why, won't even let me fall in love
Oooooh everywhere I go always by my side
Won't even let me fall in love
Lonely won't leave me alone
I wish that love would come
Lonely won't leave me alone
And take me home
Lonely...

What God Wants

I know God listens, I know He understands.
I know He knows what's inside our minds
and not to mention our hearts.

I know God is there watching our every move.
Every decision we make, He guides us.
But still we always insist on what WE want.
Whatever makes us feel content.
Satisfied, happy, ecstatic and joyful.

But have we thought about what HE wants for us?

I heard from a lecturer that my bestfriend and I attended last week.
It is about praying to God for guidance and a sign.
Give it time. Give God a timetable on what we want to happen in our lives.
A day, a week, three weeks, a month, two months, six months, a full year.

And He will give you the answer. Not audibly, but through subtle signs.
In dreams, through a friend, through a situation. Or an opportunity, or a choice.
And we should be sensitive enough to see or hear or feel if the prayers we invoke God is
really meant for us. If it doesn't happen, it's not going to happen. It is not for us. He has a better plan for us and we just have to wait.

They say God answers in "Yes, No, and Wait" and we sometimes need to be patient and faithful.

I am sharing this because a friend is in the middle of a lot of decision making, praying and heart matters. It is through prayers that he can only get the peace of mind and heart. But I know him, he will ask for what he wants, and I hope he would pray for what God wants for him and be accepting. If it is meant to be, it is meant to be, if it is not, then there is a better opportunity.

I do hope whatever happens, he would be strong.

Soul Cards

I am kind of confuse as to what to do with my career. What career path to take, what to plan, what to do first.

I consulted my soul cards but I cannot seem to get what they meant. Anyone can help me?

The first card should reveal what's going on in my Body.
The next what should be going in my Mind.
And the last was about my Soul.

Don't Go

You said I lied you screamed I cried
You packed your things you wanna leave
You get the car keys and head for the door

Now I'm down on my knees I'm begging you please don't go, don't go
Don't give up on us now we can work it out don't go, don't go

Maybe I'm wrong and you're right I said I'm sorry don't wanna fight
So calm down and hold me close and dry the tears in my eyes

Why can't we kiss and make up I don't want to ever break up
Why can't we forgive and forget and stay together

Hong Kong Dec 06-Jan 07

Man-whore

It seemed like rape last night. My body ravaged and violated. It was sudden, I was caught unaware that it seems like a dream.

I was asked to submit to every whim and desire. Of violent passion and verbal torture.
I was not able to resist, so I gave in.

I was lost. In pure bliss and ecstasy of the moment. My body writhed from his kisses. My body gave in to his strong caresses. I let go.

He pushes me down and teased me. He burned me with his embraces and whispered profane words in my ear.

I was his. Lying on my chest he pushed me down and entered me violently. The pain is unbearable, this is violation, this is taboo. I fought, I tried to make him stop but he just laughed.
He cursed and called me names. He called me man-whore.
He thrusts hard, I can feel him so deep inside of me. He thrusts, in and out so many times I almost lost consciousness.

But the anger and the pain disappears. I was beginning to relax. I am slowly liking it.
His sweat was all over me. I was moaning, moaning from sexual desire.

Then he stopped. I looked behind me and he is smiling. He turned me around and just stared at me. I am going out of my wits. He was teasing me. I felt a tension in my groin that I was about to release when he stopped.

I begged him to enter again. He laughed and said no.
I begged him again and pulled him close to me, he resisted.
He wants me to beg him.
And I begged. He said no and instead kneaded my chest and pinched my nipples. I groan.
And I begged again for him to enter me again. He teased me and asked me to say please.

PLEASE.

Then he did it again, with one violent thrust. This time harder than before.
I moan and I groan despite the pain.
But I am liking it.
I am in too deep.

I suddenly heard him groan and he is near. He kept on calling me names. He kept on cursing me.
I cursed him back and this made him angry. He burrowed his manhood so deep I felt pain again. He is near.

With one loud curse he let go. I was filled up at the same time I had my release. Then he fell on me. Our bodies intertwined. Him still in me.

Slowly he raised his head and looked at me. He smiled then he kissed me gently and whispered, man-whore. This time in a different tone. He told me I am his and his alone. His man-whore.

And I do not even know his name.

New Year Resolutions

Another year has gone by and a new one began. I wonder what's instore for me this year?
I am not really much into new year resolutions for I don't usually follow them anyway. BUT, there is one good thing about it, you have something to look forward to doing, so I'm going to try.

Hmm...here goes some:

1. I will continue to workout until I reached the desired body I like.
2. Do healthy living.
3. Care about the world more.
4. Make most of the time creatively.
5. Paint that first painting.
6. Compile a book of poems and write more.
7. Create that long time planned novel or story.
8. Make an active social life.
9. Make a good career move.
10. Manage my finances.

Queer As Folk

Never have I seen a television show that had me affected as much since I saw Queer As Folk.
I first knew about the series on the internet while I was just surfing around. I said to myself that this is a bold move to produce such show on TV with much graphic sex scenes and human drama.
It was a full year since before I get hold of a copy of the first season and watched I did. Everything I knew about being gay I saw on TV and with a plus. I was to become a part of it just like a million gay men and women who saw themselves in the characters that were portrayed. One can relate with each character and the things they do. The mistakes they made, their outlook in life, their relationships, their family and friendship.
But the full impact of the show made me realized that being queer is not much different at all with the rest of humanity. On a personal level I am each and every character there.
I have learned some things. I have seen myself in a lot of the characters at different times, and have been able to see what's good and bad about myself. For example, I share Ted's unwarranted low self-esteem. I share a bit of Justin's naivete and immaturity, thinking I can shape the world to fit my desires rather than having to compromise. I share Michael's reticence to just put myself out there and see what happens, instead choosing to hang back with the Teds of the world and not even try. I can see myself going down the road of idolizing money in the same way Brian does, thinking that $1200 jackets and furniture from Milan will make me more attractive or more happy. I fear I could end up stratifying the world into "A-list" and "B-list" gays like Dr. David, and be embarrassed to mix my highly educated friends with those who work in retail etc. All of them seem to be primarily concerned with a potential partner's looks, and I definitely see that in myself. The episode where Ted and Emmit try a dating service based on personality was meant to make us laugh at it. I share Michael's fear of just being honest about his sexuality for fear it'll hold him back somehow. I also find it helpful to see the different story lines play out. They serve as a bunch of "DON'T DO THAT" lessons for me. For example, Ted trying drugs to impress a cute boy and ending up in a coma. Justin being insensitive in the way he tells people he's gay. Michael stringing a girl along because it's easier to pretend he's straight than to just be honest. Melanie and Lindsay failing to get the legal protections in place so that they're both guardians of their child. Michael refusing to admit to himself or his boyfriend that he's not over Brian, and thereby screwing up the relationship. Anyway, I could go on and on. And there are a number of good things I've found to emulate in the show too, like Deb's unconditional love, or Dr. David being willing to fight for the guy he loves, or Melanie and Lindsay's attempts to work out the kinks of being gay parents, or Daphne's willingness to try new things.
The last season, the 5th, everybody goes their own separate ways, leaving only memories of happy and sad experiences each one went through leaving me wonder what will happen next.
But I just wanted to share what I learned, and see whether any of you have found the media helpful in "growing up" as a gay man. I feel like, as long as I'm aware that the shows aren't real and that it's over-dramatized, I can let these people serve as proxies. They can make my mistakes for me, and I can learn from them. I can identify what I don't like about them and what they do, and try to fix those things in myself. It seems like that'd be much less painful than learning the lessons when some boyfriend dumps me because I didn't know them.

An Adventure in Hong Kong

It was my first time to spend Christmas and New Year without my family. It was lonely at first but then again, it was not. I went to Hong Kong the day before Christmas and thought that it would be sad. But my friend Filmer and his workmates had this small party at another workmate's place and we had a great dinner and a lot of wine. It was fun.

The rest of my 10-day trip were spent going around Hong Kong. I went to places I was not able to visit the last time I was there. (Besides Hong Kong Disneyland, of course, I'd be coming back to Disney over and over again, lol.)

With only a map to guide me, I went each leg of the Hong Kong Walks brochure/map. Each stop is a tourist spot where one can discover, appreciate and take pictures of. I had an adventure. It felt like I am in a quest to find a lost treasure. I visited a lot of museums (well, they say if you want to know about a certain place or country go to its museums), old temples, parks and flea markets. I went up and down the steep streets of Central and Western District where one can see a lot of Old European Style buildings and the famous Man Mo Temple where I prayed and shook a wooden glass filled with bamboo sticks, each time a stick would come out and fell on the ground, I took note of a number and this has a corresponding character in a book on the reception where your fortune will be read. ( I will be having a favourable 2007!)

I also went to suburban Hong Kong, this time another I used another map to take me across Sha Tin, a place outside the hustle and bustle of the city. The place was a bit laid back, not too many cars, and not too many buildings. There is a feeling of freedom and ease in the place. I visited a park, another musuem, another temple, this time a large one built a centuries ago, a library and a Snoopy theme park!

I often miss eating, cause I didn't feel any hunger, not until I came home to the place where I stayed. I gorged on dinner every night. Maybe just to fill up the lost energy during the day...or am dying of hunger, ha, ha, ha!

I also visited Yau Ma Tei and Mong Kok, a pleasure and leisure district in Hong Kong, one can find a variety of shops and stores there. There is a long street of petshops selling almost all species of goldfishes. My eyes were rolling around as I watched those colorful animals in their tanks. (Wished I bought some, but I don't think thier custom would allow me to take it back in Manila though.) Some more stores that sell electronics, toiletries and clothes.

All in all, it was the best trip ever. I really enjoyed the trip, not to mention the freezing weather. It was cold yet nice. I can really dress up.

The New Year was a blast. I spent it in a disco/bar in Lan Kwai Fong, a famous bar and disco district in Hong Kong, where I danced the night away. Had a few drinks with new friends, chat and danced again. I even went up the caged ledge and felt like a go go boy! The music is great until the count down and everyone wished each other a happy new year. Friends and stranger alike hugged and kissed and greeted one another.

I prayed in the temples that I had visited that I would like to live and work in Hong Kong. I love the place. I love the lifestyle. I really feel I will be better in Hong Kong. Maybe because of that sense of independence, or the weather, or the people, or the opportunities. Maybe because it is in my blood, for a long line of Chinese ancestry is running through my veins and calling me home.